Episode 8

Building Self-Trust: How to Stop Second Guessing & Start Truly Living

Published on: 1st July, 2025

This week, we are kicking off a new 8-part series in the Beyond Happy subscriber-only podcast, focused on how to build self-trust so you can stop second guessing and start living freely and authentically, knowing you've got your own back.

This first episode is available for all Crappy to Happy listeners and focuses on what it means to cultivate self-trust and why so many of us struggle with it.

Self-trust is the belief in your own abilities, judgments, and decisions, as well as the inner assurance that you can handle whatever challenges life throws your way.

In this episode, I'm sharing how a lack of self-trust can manifest in your daily life, from second guessing your decisions, doubting your own value, watering down your personality or opinions, deferring to others to make decisions, and overthinking just about everything. Self trust is not just about making the right choices or never making a mistake; it's about knowing that you don't have to be perfect and you've got your own back.

I highlight the consequences of lacking self-trust, such as decision fatigue, anxiety, burnout, inauthentic relationships, and feeling disconnected from your power and purpose.

My aim with this series is to empower you to recognise your own worth and begin the journey of rebuilding self-trust, setting the stage for the upcoming series of episodes that will provide tools and strategies for this essential work.

Takeaways:

  • Building self-trust involves believing in your abilities, judgments, and decisions, even when mistakes happen.
  • Self-trust is crucial for decision-making; it allows us to move forward without excessive second-guessing ourselves.
  • Recognising past experiences that eroded self-trust helps us understand current patterns of self-doubt.
  • Overcoming the fear of judgment is essential to express ourselves authentically and regain self-trust.

Get access to the full 8-episode series by upgrading to paid in Spotify or Apple or subscribe at https://substack.cassdunn.com

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www.cassdunn.com/beyond-confident

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Transcript
Speaker A:

Foreign welcome back to Crappy to Happy and welcome back to Beyond Happy.

Speaker A:

Doing a little bit of a double up today.

Speaker A:

This episode is the first in our brand new series for the Beyond Happy paid subscribers which is all about how to build self trust.

Speaker A:

And as I have said, we're going to be doing eight episodes over this month, two episodes a week on this topic about how to cultivate more self trust and stop doubting yourself.

Speaker A:

But I know that this is such a big topic for a lot of people, so I really wanted to devote this first episode to really unpacking.

Speaker A:

What do I mean when I say self trust?

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Why do you struggle with self trust?

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How does it show up in your life, what the consequences are and some of the things that you might need to look at in order to start to rebuild that sense of trust and connection with yourself.

Speaker A:

And I really wanted to make this episode available to everybody body, which is why you are hearing it on Crappy to Happy as well.

Speaker A:

Obviously, if you choose to, you can upgrade and get the rest of the series over the next month.

Speaker A:

It's not expensive, it's less than $10 a month.

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It is entirely optional.

Speaker A:

But let's start with unpacking.

Speaker A:

What do we mean by how to build self trust?

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I always love to start with the definition.

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You know this about me.

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So we need to be on the same page when we talk about self trust.

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And you might be surprised at how challenging this was for me to actually come up with a definition, because I think this can be interpreted in a lot of different ways, which is why it's really important that we get clear about what we're talking about here.

Speaker A:

So self trust is the belief in your own abilities and your judgments, your opinions, your decisions.

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It's also the inner assurance that you can handle challenges, that you can make sound choices and that you can learn from your experiences, even if you do make mistakes or get things wrong.

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Sometimes it's about being tuned into your own inner guidance system and having that sense of connection to your own inner authority that you feel you can rely on.

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As you know, I have a group coaching program called Beyond Confident and it's really all about overcoming imposter syndrome and self doubt and cultivating a sense of self confidence that is grounded and enduring and not contingent on your achievements or on anyone else's positive feedback or approval.

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And it was in trying to explain that, like trying to explain my meaning of confident in that context, that that's where I really landed on this idea of self trust.

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And I feel like it really is that sense of inner assurance that you are enough, that you know your value whether anyone else sees it or not, that you know your own mind and you can make your own decisions and especially that you've got your own back.

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That it actually doesn't matter if you don't get it right.

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Because you're still worthy, you still deserve to be in any space, in any room.

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You have a level of trust in what you bring, what you offer.

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If it's in a work situation, if you are going for a promotion, or if you're even just contributing in a meeting or speaking up about something, it's trusting that you do have something to contribute, something to offer.

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You don't have to know everything, you don't have to be the expert, you.

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But you can trust that your opinions are valid and that your knowledge and your experience and your expertise, it all counts for something.

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It's trusting that even if you don't know something, that you can figure it out.

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And I think above all it's about trusting that you are not going to get it right every time.

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And that even if you get it wrong, you'll survive that.

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And that is not a reflection on your intelligence, your capability, your expertise, your decision making ability, your that sometimes you will get it wrong and you don't have to make that mean anything about you.

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So I think when we talk about self trust, you know, you'll hear people all the time say, oh, just trust yourself, trust your gut, trust your instincts.

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And that's really hard for a lot of people.

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Just the idea of trusting your gut is challenging because they will say if my gut is telling me not to do this, is that my instinct is that my internal wisdom is that really knowing that that's not the right thing for me.

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Or actually is that just anxiety?

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Is that fear taking over?

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And that is a distinction that many people struggle to make.

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And so if that's you, you know that it can be really difficult.

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Some people have a really hard time trusting themselves.

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And even discerning your own internal experience, what is valid, what you should be paying attention to, or what do you actually need to just manage or put aside and not let it determine your actions and your decisions if it is for example, coming from a place of fear.

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One other thing I would add to this very long winded definition of self trust is that it's the ability to rely on your internal guidance system which in many ways looks like connecting with your intuition.

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In fact, I have got to say I would love to do a whole series on how to Connect with your intuition and it probably overlaps a little bit with this.

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But just for now, just know that a big part of building self trust and sometimes means not necessarily having a logical thought out rationale for something.

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It's actually nothing to do with logic.

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It's a deep inner knowing and the willingness to rely on that knowing even if it doesn't make any sense and even if other people don't necessarily understand it.

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Maybe that's like level two when it comes to self trust, but when you have access to that kind of very stable, grounded, enduring knowing that you have got your own back, that you are enough, that you know enough, you do enough, that you can listen to yourself and that you can act in a way that feels right for you and is in alignment for you and not be rattled or thrown off course if somebody else has got a different opinion to you or a different view.

Speaker A:

And also when you've got the trust that if you do go off course that you can course correct, you don't have to go into a shame spiral, you don't not going to go down that path of self criticism, then there is a great sense of peace and freedom and calm that comes with that.

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I mean it really is that kind of very grounded, calm, self assured confidence.

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So I guess that's a bit of an overview of self trust so that you know what I'm talking about.

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And if it's not there, if you are lacking in self trust, then it will show up in various ways and you'll probably be more familiar with the ways that it shows up when you don't have that level of self trust.

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So I want to run through some of those and as I do, I think it's really important that you pay attention to which examples really resonate with you because not all of them will.

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But it's important that you are really clear and specific about how this actually does show up for you in your life and in your relationships and in your behaviors.

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It's taking this out of the theoretical and making it much more personal so that it's relevant and meaningful for you.

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So obviously if you're a person who lacks self tr, you're probably second guessing all of your decisions.

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You might make a decision, you immediately doubt it, or it might take you forever to come to a decision.

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Whether it's big significant life events that you need to make a decision about or just what to order off the menu when you go out for dinner.

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Maybe you ask for a lot of other people's opinions or you go reassurance seeking, looking for other people to validate and affirm the decisions that you make because you're second guessing yourself.

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And along the same lines, it's overthinking everything, overanalyzing everything.

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That analysis paralysis that often goes on with making decisions, just feeling like you're spinning around in circles trying to come up with the right decision.

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And again, self trust is not about trusting that you'll make the right decision.

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It's about trusting that if you make the wrong decision, that that's okay, that you don't actually need to overthink it because whatever you decide on will be fine.

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So that's the distinction.

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It could also look like replaying conversations over and over when we're talking about overthinking.

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Sometimes you might overthink interactions that you've had afterwards.

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You wonder if you said the wrong thing, if they took that the wrong way, if you offended somebody, it can look like over preparing and perfectionism.

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Maybe it's reading and rereading and editing an email that you want to send just to check that it sounds okay.

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Or it could be something you want to post on social media, or it could be like a work project that you are working on.

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It's this over preparing, over functioning, tweaking, editing, constantly reviewing and polishing because you don't trust that what you have done is enough.

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In relationships, it can show up as watering down your opinions and watering down your personality to be more palatable to people.

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Feeling afraid that if you were to really show up fully that you might be judged or people might not appreciate that you might be rejected, you might cause a conflict and that you don't trust that you would be able to effectively manage that.

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Again, it's not trusting that you won't offend somebody, it's trusting that you could handle it.

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If you did that, that wouldn't have to necessarily mean something about you.

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So in a way, and I don't mean this in a negative or critical way, but that's kind of being inauthentic.

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And the being inauthentic can also look choosing what's expected of you over what you really want.

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Family expectations, social expectations, or even your own expectations that you've set for yourself at some point in your life and that doesn't actually really fit for you or work for you anymore.

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So it could be staying in a job or relationship or lifestyle that looks good and so you feel like you should be happy, but at some level you're actually not happy, but you're talking yourself out of your genuine Legitimate feelings.

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And you're doubting whether your concerns are valid.

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You're doubting whether your unhappiness or your dissatisfaction is even worth paying attention to.

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It can also look like people pleasing, saying yes when you mean no, going with everybody else's opinion.

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And all of these things, the people pleasing, the perfectionism, the procrastination, the performing, they all just really boil down to this fundamental lack of trust that you are good enough.

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So if you are a person who recognizes yourself in some of those things, and maybe you've got more of your own examples.

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Examples.

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I've just tried to give a broad overview.

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But if you're a person who struggles with self trust, I want to say here it is not because there is something wrong with you.

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In fact, it is usually a very reasonable adaptation to your past experience.

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I'm just going to quickly run through some of these reasons because it can be helpful and reassuring for people to understand that these behaviors, we develop them for a reason.

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They serve a useful purpose in our life.

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And it's not that we should never have developed these particular patterns.

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It is about getting to a point in life where we recognize that this was useful at one point, but this is not serving us anymore.

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And so we are at a point now where we can make a choice about whether we want to continue operating this way.

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There are certain childhood experiences that lead us to not trusting ourselves.

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If your parents were very controlling or micromanaged, you didn't really give you the freedom to make mistakes or make your own decisions.

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A lot of people grow up kind of internalizing that idea that they can't be trusted to make their own decisions and that it is bad to make mistakes, that it is really scary to make mistakes.

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If that's what's been modeled to you.

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This really being helicopter parented.

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And again, parents have the best intentions, but that can be the downstream effect of some of that kind of parenting.

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Sometimes parents might talk you out of what you're feeling.

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Like they kind of try to minimize your feelings or talk you out of your opinions about things.

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And so that sets up this internal confusion and dissonance when what you think you feel somebody else is telling you that you don't feel that.

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And so therefore it creates this split inside you.

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It could actually just be that nobody's there for you.

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Like when you go to.

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To express your feelings or your needs and nobody is there to hear that or to respond to that, that you start to squash that down and really dial down your internal experience.

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And almost as a survival or A coping strategy.

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You talk yourself out of what you're feeling, which means again, later on there can be this disconnect, this split, this one part of you that has a feeling, but other part of you very quickly overrides it or shuts it down.

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So you end up with this incongruence within yourself, which sets a lack of self trust.

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Like you can't trust that what you feel is real or true.

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If you are praised for being compliant, for being good, for achieving, then that can lead you to strive for success or behave in particular ways that get you external approval, external validation, even if it's not what you really want or what really makes you happy.

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So the more you go down this path of looking outside yourself, which is the way the whole of society works and the way we've all been brought up, looking outside of ourself.

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For somebody to tell us we're doing a good job, somebody to tell us that we're smart, somebody to tell us what's good, then it leads to us looking outside of ourselves for validation.

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And again, not necessarily tapping into and trusting our own inner experience.

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And again with the parenting, like sometimes it can honestly be as blatant as, oh, that didn't happen, you're making that up, you know, almost like really being gaslit, which again, you can understand.

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It leads to this doubt and dissonance, this incongruence between what you think you know and what somebody else is telling you is true.

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Which means you, it sets you up to doubt yourself.

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It could just be that you observe in the world around you and in your family dynamics that it's not safe to say what you really think or express what you really feel or express your opinion or it's not welcome, it's just not what you do.

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So as little children, we observe and we like little sponges and we internalize.

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We work out the lay of the land, we adapt ourselves to fit in to our environment.

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So you'll very quickly learn to shut that down and just not express what you really think or feel beyond childhood.

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Just in terms of life experiences, you might have had painful experiences.

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If you've been in a relationship with somebody who caused you to question yourself, who shut you down, or if there has been abuse or manipulation that can really erode your sense of trust in yourself.

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Anybody who has been in one of those toxic relationships will know this.

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So we really have to acknowledge that there are genuinely things that happen in life that can create this within you.

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Even if maybe once you were a person who felt like you had A solid sense of trust in yourself, and you knew your own mind and you, you know, lived according to your own internal guidance system, then a betrayal can really erode that level of self trust.

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You might have made a decision that led to a really difficult outcome.

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You might have had a failure.

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You took a big risk, you put yourself out there, had a go at something, and it didn't work out.

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And that kind of pain can lead you to not wanting to take that risk again and feeling like you can't trust yourself because you thought that was the right thing.

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You were so convinced that was going to be a good thing and it didn't work out.

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So now you question yourself about whether you can be relied on to make another decision to take a risk.

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Again, you start questioning your own perception and you question your own judgments.

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If you invest in a relationship and they hurt you or even voice if they turn out to be quite a bad person, if you get ripped off or scammed or something like that, it can really take a lot of work to rebuild that sense of trust in your own self and your own ability to just judge somebody's character.

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I've done interviews with Michelle McQuaid.

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If you're in the beyond happy, you have access to the live call that we had with Michelle as well.

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And she talks a lot about good girl conditioning.

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So good girl conditioning is this kind of social programming that girls receive which tells us that our role is to prioritize other people's needs and to be agreeable.

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And we don't make waves, and our job is to serve and to nurture and to look after everybody else.

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And so that leads to this kind of self abandonment.

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And when that happens, that's pretty core to a lack of self trust.

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You deny yourself in favor of the approval and meeting the expectations of other people until it gets to the point where you're really not quite sure what you really think or feel or want.

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So anything that creates that disconnect where you've got this internal split within you, and look, that goes for men too.

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We talk about the good girl conditioning.

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What about the conditioning that boys get when boys feel emotions and are told that boys don't cry?

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And they get all of that male social conditioning which forces them to shut down their internal experience, to deny the reality, the truth of their internal experience, and all in order to perform a social role?

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And that has the same effect.

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Like that leads to that same disconnect inside where you struggle to really trust that what you think or feel is valid.

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If you don't have opportunities to really express how you feel, because that's never been modeled to you or you've never been taught that, then it leads to this.

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Not fully expressing yourself authentically is really, at the end of the day, what the outcome is.

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I just want to throw in one more, which is if you have grown up in diet culture and not eating when you're hungry, when you are conditioned that productivity and being busy is the most important thing and therefore you need to push through and keep going even when your body needs to rest.

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Because you are so focused on performance and productivity and being busy and being seen to be busy and being seen to be achieving.

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Because that's how we all have learned to get our sense of validation and approval in this world.

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What you're essentially doing is overriding your body's cues when it's telling you what it needs.

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Your body needs rest, but you're telling yourself that you can't rest because you've got too many things to do.

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Your body's telling you that it's hungry, but you're saying you can't eat because you gotta lose weight.

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And so you ignore those signals from your body.

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So number one, you're demonstrating to yourself that you are not to be trusted to meet your own needs.

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So there's that.

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You're essentially telling your body that you don't trust the signals that it's sending to you.

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So you're shutting them down and you're dismissing that very clear message.

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Sometimes you don't even hear the message because you've tuned it out to such a degree.

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But what it also means is that you are less connected to your body signals when you want to know what your gut instinct is.

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So you wonder what why you can't tell the difference between your gut instinct and actual anxiety.

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That's because you're not actually tuned into your gut instinct because you have spent so much time and so much of your life up in your head and pleasing and performing and doing what's expected, overriding all of those signals from your body.

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When your body is telling you what it needs, and then when you actually want to be connected to your body in the form of that gut wisdom, well, good luck with that, because you've been ignoring it along with all of your other physical symptoms for years while your body's been screaming out to you.

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And now you're wondering why you don't have that connection.

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So it goes without saying that the consequences of all of this are apart from the self doubt and difficulty making decisions and difficulty Knowing what to do in life, all of the reassurance seeking and all the spinning in circles and all of the not fully expressing yourself, what that ultimately leads to, it leads to your whole nervous system being in a really heightened state, which causes exhaustion.

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It can affect your sleep and affect your mental health, your physical health.

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Health causes decision fatigue.

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It will lead to burnout when you're over analyzing everything that you do, when you're constantly second guessing yourself, draining all of your mental energy, leaving you really depleted and also like leaving you depleted of just the resources that you need to cope with the stress of life.

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Like it's really draining your energy and draining your resilience.

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And it's ultimately you're really giving your power away.

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So when you don't believe that your thoughts or your beliefs or your opinions or instinct are as valid as other people's, you kind of set it up in your mind that other people's opinions are more valid than yours, that other people's views are more worth trusting than your own.

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And so you set up this dynamic where you're really eroding your own self esteem.

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You set up a dynamic where your self worth is always up for negotiation.

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You're always giving your power away to other people, looking outside yourself to other people to reassure you.

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If you're not expressing what is true for you in relationships, ultimately it leads to resentment.

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Ultimately it leads to you feeling really dissatisfied.

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Maybe not initially, but over time that's what it sets up.

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And you know, it actually also leads to just inauthentic connections because you're not actually being your true self in those relationships.

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If you're not expressing yourself truly, if you're subjugating your own preferences and subjugating your own opinions, you're not actually being 100% honest.

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So you can't really establish a really solid authentic relationship with somebody based on that.

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And at work you end up playing small, holding yourself back from expressing ideas which you might find feels safe because it feels like you're flying under the radar and you're not attracting attention to yourself.

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But over time it leads to you feeling really unfulfilled, lack of purpose, not expressing your full potential, feeling stuck unfulfilled, spinning in circles, feeling like you don't have options, less likely to take the risks that are required to actually grow in life, in your relationships at work, because you're afraid to push outside that comfort zone.

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Which means I guess ultimately it's going to lead to regrets and resentment.

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I feel like it's really important to, to talk about the bigger picture consequences of this.

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Because like anything, there's things that you do in the short term that make you feel better that help you to avoid feeling uncomfortable if you lack self trust and so therefore it's just easy to ask somebody else's opinion or it's easier to just go with the flow.

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If you lack that sense of self trust and so you don't put yourself out there in any way that might get negative feedb back, that feels safe in the short term.

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And while it might feel frustrating and no doubt it is, you don't enjoy the anxiety and the second guessing and the overthinking.

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It has big ramifications for your ability to just fully live your life and live your life on your terms and live in a way that is in alignment with you and feeling like you're on purpose and that you are on track and that you are connected to what matters to you and you're making the decisions that feel right and good for you.

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So obviously this is a really big topic and there is not a magic wand to fix it.

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But over time it absolutely is possible to reconnect with your inner authority and to start rebuilding that sense of self trust and that calm level of assurance that I have already talked about.

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The most important thing for you to do now today, straight up, if any of this resonates with you and maybe even go back and re listen and make a note of what of the things that I said that you can really relate to.

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Get clear from the start.

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Like I said, where does this play out for you?

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Where in life have you maybe felt like you knew the answer but you didn't go with that?

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You let yourself be guided by somebody else.

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Where are you holding back in life generally because you feel like you are trapped in this pattern of self doubt or reassurance seeking and all of those other things that I just mentioned.

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This plays out differently for different people and it's really important for you to get clear about how does this affect you?

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In what areas of your life does this affect you?

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What would you change?

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And maybe you also want to make a note of areas in life where it doesn't affect you.

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Where do you feel you can really show up as yourself and you can trust yourself and you can be authentic and express your opinions.

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That could be useful too, like where are the exceptions?

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Where is this not present?

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And then I'd really get you to think about what would be different in your life if you solved this problem and be as specific as you can be.

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Get a journal Maybe sit at your laptop, type out some notes.

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What would you see happening differently in your life if this was not a problem for you?

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What would other people see that is different about you from the outside?

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What behaviors would other people observe?

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If you, you were fully connected to your inner wisdom, your inner authority, and you were living your life in a way that expressed that you fully trust yourself, that you've got your own back, what would they notice that's different?

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As you move through life with this level of trust and confidence and trusting your own ability and decisions, and you have a willingness to protect your boundaries and to express your needs, what would they see that's different?

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What would feel different for you on the inside?

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What behaviors would stop?

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What would look different on the outside?

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What would you know that you definitely would be doing differently in terms of how you operate in the world?

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And what would other people in your life observe that?

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That's a really useful exercise to do to get some clarity about this.

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And then my one other action item for you is to start paying attention throughout your day to where you might be second guessing yourself, where you might be maybe asking for somebody else's opinion or reassurance.

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Even if it's just the outfit that you're wearing or whether you should buy that pair of jeans.

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Start building a picture of how prevalent this is in your life, your work, your relationships.

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Note down the small things, the big things.

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Where are you holding back?

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Where do you not speak up?

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Up?

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Where do you avoid a conversation because you don't trust that you can handle it?

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You don't trust that you could manage your own emotions?

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Where are you playing small because you don't trust that you've got what it takes.

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Really pay attention, get really intentional, really mindful and observe how frequently this pops up.

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And then start seeing if you can find even the smallest opportunities to pause and take a breath and do something different.

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So maybe don't ask for that opinion.

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Just buy the jeans because you like the jeans.

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Don't ask for anybody else's reassurance before you make a decision.

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Go ahead and make the decision.

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If there's a decision you've been stalling on, that you've been spinning your wheels on, see if you can just bite the bullet and make the decision.

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Some of these behaviours that you do, to be clear, are just a habit that you're so in the habit of second guessing and asking for other people's opinions and not fully trusting or needing it to be 100% right, needing a guaranteed rock solid sense of certainty that you're going to make the right decision, that this has just become very habitual so you can start breaking those habits right now.

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It doesn't need to be any more deep than that.

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Of course, some things are more deep than that, but where you can make a change, make a change, change, make a decision, just start breaking this habit.

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And over the next seven sessions, over this month of July, we're going to be slowly working to rebuild that self trust.

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I'm going to be giving you ideas and tools and resources to help you to really reconnect with this inner wisdom.

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We're going to look at your nervous system, how to anchor back into safety, how to work with your inner critic, reconnect with that inner authority and really work on how you can start embodying self trust through these consistent daily actions and routines and become a person that you know you can rely on and you can start taking back your power and you can know that you've got your own back.

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So if you're not already a paid subscriber, if you want to jump in, it's only $10 a month.

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I mean it's a bargain.

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But if not, then I hope this has been helpful.

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And later in the month I will let you know all about Beyond Confident because it will be opening.

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But for now, let's focus on how to rebuild your self trust.

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I cannot wait to catch you in the next episode of Crappy to Happy and Beyond Happy.

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Crappy to Happy is created and produced produced by me, Cass Dunn.

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If you enjoy the show, please hit the follow button wherever you listen to ensure you never miss an episode.

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Share with a friend to get me into the ears of more lovely listeners.

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And I would love for you to leave a five star rating and review.

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Thank you so much for being here and I cannot wait to catch you next week for another fabulous episode of Crack It a Happy.

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About the Podcast

Crappy to Happy
Real talk and practical strategies to live a happier life, hosted by psychologist Cass Dunn.
Join psychologist Cass Dunn, and inspiring guests from around the world, for real talk, relatable and practical ideas to help you live a happier, more meaningful life.  
www.cassdunn.com
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About your host

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Cass Dunn

Clinical & Coaching Psychologist, Mindfulness meditation teacher, Author and online Course Creator.