Episode 11
Unexpected Turns: How to get through it when things go to sh*t
Hi from my mum's wardrobe. I'm on holiday in Australia and taking a break from my packing to share a personal update that highlights how unpredictable life can be. My family has recently faced some unexpected challenges, including my husband’s work being impacted by significant global events and unexpected health issues with his father. Meanwhile, we live in another country with no clear end date, which makes everything feel a little tenuous.
I wanted to take the opportunity to mention the importance of "psychological flexibility", a key concept from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, which encourages us to stay adaptable and resilient by focusing on what we can control, staying connected to the present moment, finding meaning in our values, and taking the action that's necessary even if it's hard.
Join me for a super quick chat from the wardrobe about how we can remain present and connected to what truly matters, even when life feels overwhelming.
Takeaways:
- Life is unpredictable, and being prepared for unexpected challenges is essential for resilience.
- Psychological flexibility helps us adapt and remain centered amid difficulties and uncertainties.
- Focusing on present moments and values can guide us through life's challenges and changes.
- Quality social connections play a crucial role in maintaining our happiness and overall well-being.
- It's important to recognise that our thoughts and feelings are passing experiences, not our identity.
- Taking committed action aligned with our values is key to navigating tough times effectively.
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Transcript
Foreign.
Speaker B:This is Crappy to Happy and I am your host, Cass Dunn.
Speaker B:I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher and of course, author of the Crappy to Happy books.
Speaker B:In this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent people who are experts in their field and who have something of value to share that will help you feel less crappy and more happy.
Speaker A:FOREIGN welcome to Cravy to Happy.
Speaker A:I am coming to you from the wardrobe in my mum's house.
Speaker A:I'm sure nobody can hear me, but I feel like I need to keep my voice down for some reason.
Speaker A:And the reason I'm in the wardrobe is anybody in the know will know, is that it is the best place to get good sound quality because you usually get buffering from the clothes that are hanging in the wardrobe.
Speaker A:In this case, I've already packed my clothes because we're going back this evening.
Speaker A:So I don't even know if there is any point to me sitting in this wardrobe, but I just felt like you should know.
Speaker A:So I have been in Australia for the last 10 or 11 days.
Speaker A:We came back for a family birthday and we've had a really interesting time since we have been here.
Speaker A:It's the first time the three of us have all been back together, my husband and my daughter and I, so that has just been lovely.
Speaker A:Uh, we had a family birthday which sort of became a family reunion, which is the reason we made the trip back, because there were loads of family that we haven't seen for a really long time.
Speaker A:And I'm always conscious of the fact that the quality of your life, your health, your happiness and even how long you live is most accurately predicted by the quality of your social connections.
Speaker A:So even if it feels like it's an expense or a time you don't necessarily have, or there isn't a need to make the trip because in actual fact, my parents are coming over to the UK in a couple of months.
Speaker A:I'm going to see them anyway.
Speaker A:Yeah, I just think it's always really important to prioritize those opportunities and we knew that, you know, this opportunity would be something that would not happen again.
Speaker A:The amount of people that came from all over Australia was really special, so it was so lovely to be back for that.
Speaker A:It's a bit of a whirlwind trip.
Speaker A:Like I said, it's been like 11 days and we are heading back this evening.
Speaker A:My husband has got some important work stuff that he has to get back for, which brings me to the next kind of big thing that's happened for us, which is that if you are unaware, my husband works in the foreign aid industry.
Speaker A:And if you've paid any attention to the news, you'll know the first thing that Elon Musk and his DOGE hacks decided to target it was usaid.
Speaker A:They really did a lot of damage to the foreign aid program around the world.
Speaker A:And that is my husband's core business.
Speaker A:So while we're based in the UK and obviously there's foreign aid funding, you know, all around the world, Europe, Australia, etc.
Speaker A:The actual US part of the business was really badly affected by that.
Speaker A:So I think often people don't realize the direct impact that has on civilians, like normal people with normal jobs.
Speaker A:Everybody sort of either thinks of foreign aid as charity, which it is not, or they think it is just overpaid bureaucrats in federal government agencies who are losing their jobs.
Speaker A:They don't realize the impact, not just on their recipients of that aid and the flow on effects from that, which is absolutely devastating, but the impact that it has on just everyday people who have jobs in partner organizations.
Speaker A:So organizations that contract to the government, you know, they, they deliver aid programs on behalf of the government, government provides the funding and they deliver the service in the target country.
Speaker A:So that's been a pretty difficult, stressful time.
Speaker A:So when I say, you know, we have to weigh up the, the expense and the time out to come back to Australia for a family birthday.
Speaker A:Yeah, because that's what my husband's dealing with back, you know, in his workplace.
Speaker A:It's all pretty big, pretty stressful stuff.
Speaker A:Just before we flew out of the UK to come back to Australia, it was my husband's birthday and his sister who lives in Sydney.
Speaker A:So there's just the two of them, my husband in London and his sister in Sydney and their father, my father in law lives on the Sunshine coast.
Speaker A:So he moved to the Sunshine coast to be closer to us before we disappeared to London and left him here.
Speaker A:He's been living independently, he's in a retirement place.
Speaker A:But just before we were due to come back, we found out that he needed to have quite a simple day procedure in hospital.
Speaker A:So my sister in law was coming up from Sydney a bit early, she was planning to come up for the family birthday anyway and she said I'll just have to be up there a bit early because I have to stay with him after this procedure, he need somebody with him.
Speaker A:So she changed her flight to come up to the Sunshine Coast a little early.
Speaker A:And then what happened was they decided they wanted to Keep him in hospital a little longer just to try different medication for some issues he was having.
Speaker A:And long story short, another health issue popped up that needed attention and then something else popped up and it quickly became apparent that it was probably not feasible for him to go back to independent living.
Speaker A:So my husband on this very brief family holiday and his sister on her brief family holiday as well, they have pretty much spent every single day, all day, either at the hospital or interacting with aged care facilities with the retirement place that he's at, you know, work out his financial situation, get guardianship signed over so that they can make decisions for him, and he will not go back to his where he was living when he went in for this simple tay procedure.
Speaker A:He will be moving directly into an aged care facility.
Speaker A:So that was unexpected.
Speaker A:And you know, also it kind of feels like there was some sort of divine intervention with the timing of that, because it is rare, it has never happened, that my husband and his sister are both on the Sunshine coast for an entirely different reason and that this is the time that this coincidentally happened with his dad and his dad's health declining and him needing to go into aged care, you know, like a nursing home, basically.
Speaker A:It just feels like the timing was, was meant to be as much as it has really, you know, not made for a great holiday for anybody.
Speaker A:It's been such a blessing that they were both here to be able to take care of that.
Speaker A:And obviously my husband's really torn with having to go back to London by necessity because of all the other things I just told you about.
Speaker A:Yeah, it's a, it's a struggle and I think partly he's going to be kind of exhaling when he gets on the plane because this whole past 10 days has been so full on and stressful, but he's flying back into just like more stuff to deal with back in the uk.
Speaker A:This is all just very much kind of update on Cass's life.
Speaker A:But I think the point of it is that stuff is so unpredictable and life is so unpredictable and.
Speaker A:Well, yeah, aging parents, you kind of have an expectation that at some point, you know, you're going to have to think about their care needs.
Speaker A:Any job is not 100% guaranteed or things can happen in an instant.
Speaker A:But you know, what has happened since Donald Trump came into power in the US like is, I know it's an overused word, but it really is unprecedented.
Speaker A:And the impact that he has had, not just for US citizens, the impact he continues to have, the negative effects, the flow on effects of the Things that he is doing don't just impact Americans, they flow on around the world.
Speaker A:But all we have in these times is we just have to focus on what we have control over.
Speaker A:We have to focus on what really matters and focus on just the here and now.
Speaker A:Just be as much as possible in the present and deal with what is right in front of us.
Speaker A:I guess this whole experience, as much as it hasn't affected me personally.
Speaker A:I mean, my father in law wouldn't even have me visit him in hospital or Annabelle.
Speaker A:He's a very proud man and he really didn't want us to see him in a hospital bed.
Speaker A:So I haven't even been able to visit him.
Speaker A:It's really been on my husband and his sister to manage all of this while I've been spending time with my family while I have the chance.
Speaker A:But it's just a reminder of the temporary nature of things and that all the best laid plans can go out the window very unexpectedly and very randomly.
Speaker A:And you know, tough stuff happens.
Speaker A:There are difficult, stressful things to deal with.
Speaker A:And the way to be able to effectively manage that is to have what we call, I guess in psychological terms that psychological flexibility.
Speaker A:Psychological flexibility is the ability to stay centered and adaptable and resilient in the face of what is difficult and what is uncertain.
Speaker A:And this is basically the core principle of act acceptance and commitment therapy, which as I've mentioned to you before, really has strong kind of overlaps with Buddhist philosophy and psychology.
Speaker A:I just thought it was timely, I don't know, just to share some of this because there's probably something in it that you might relate to something in your life that you are dealing with.
Speaker A:I mean, at the same time I have a young family member who has been struggling with an eating disorder for a couple of years.
Speaker A:And I visited her in hospital, haven't seen her since we left Australia because last year she was in hospital when we were here.
Speaker A:And she's still, she's in a different facility now, but she has been really unwell and even just talking to my different family members while I've been here and catching up with them, like everybody's dealing with something.
Speaker A:I think that's the issue, right?
Speaker A:Everybody's dealing with something and how do we manage our stress and worry and all of the things in the face of difficult and uncertain times.
Speaker A:And so the core processes of psychological flexibility are as much as possible being in contact with the present moment, just bringing yourself right into the here and now and as best as you can, not letting yourself run off Too far into the what ifs and the future.
Speaker A:As much as we all need to plan, just trying not to get carried away with all of those what ifs and disaster thinking and worst case scenario thinking, Just deal with what's in front of us as best as we possibly can.
Speaker A:With that attitude of just being fully present, fully present to what is happening outside of you, but also being very connected to what is happening inside of you, being very connected with your own inner experience and making space for whatever emotions might arise without being overwhelmed by them.
Speaker A:The other really important fundamental aspect or process associated with psychological flexibility is being connected with your values.
Speaker A:Knowing what really matters, what is really important, like how do you want to be in the face of this difficulty?
Speaker A:What qualities do you want to bring?
Speaker A:How do you want to show up for this?
Speaker A:That one is a particularly important one.
Speaker A:I think if you are going through a personal conflict, like let's say the thing that you're dealing with in your life is a relationship breakup, or a toxic parent or partner or sibling or friend, or dealing with people that really push your buttons, if that is the thing that you are dealing with, then the values part really becomes important because it is about what kind of person do I want to be in the face of this?
Speaker A:How do I want to show up?
Speaker A:What are my values?
Speaker A:Where's my integrity?
Speaker A:What do I hold as the most important thing?
Speaker A:And regardless of what is thrown at me or what somebody else, how somebody else is behaving or what they're doing, who do I want to be in the face of this?
Speaker A:And when you're very connected with your values and finding what is most important and what is most meaningful is the thing that you hold onto as your kind of guiding light.
Speaker A:I guess, you know, at the end of the day, if it all falls apart, what's the most important thing in life?
Speaker A:If you're to lose your relationship, your job, your income, if you were to lose everything, like at the end of the day, what do you hold most dear?
Speaker A:And usually it's the people, it's the connections and the relationships, which I guess is why quality of your social connections is what makes for a long and happy life.
Speaker A:So holding onto your values, staying in touch with the present moment as best as you can, not getting overly identified with your ego, being able to step back and witness your thoughts and feelings without being overly identified with them.
Speaker A:Non identification refers to recognizing that your thoughts and feelings are passing experiences.
Speaker A:They're natural, they're human, but they're not what makes you.
Speaker A:You don't have to believe everything that you think.
Speaker A:I think that's probably the key.
Speaker A:You don't have to believe everything that you think.
Speaker A:If you start overly identifying with your stories, with the thoughts in your head, they can take you to potentially really unhelpful place.
Speaker A:So just being able to step back and witness those thoughts and feelings and recognize them for what they are, which is just temporary experiences, allowing yourself to feel what you feel, and then the final thing is taking committed action.
Speaker A:So once you know what your values are, you know what matters to you, you know what's really meaningful.
Speaker A:It's about doing what needs to be done and taking the steps in the direction of the life or the action, the behavior that is in alignment with your values, what matters most to you.
Speaker A:You don't just say, it would be nice or I should do that.
Speaker A:You have the tough conversation.
Speaker A:You walk away from the toxic person.
Speaker A:You do the thing that feels hard because you know it's the most important thing.
Speaker A:It's how you stay in integrity.
Speaker A:Once you're clear on what matters, what's important, what feels right for you, true for you, authentic for you, you determine what needs to be done, and you do it, even if it feels uncomfortable.
Speaker A:You hold on tight to your integrity and to those qualities that you want to bring and who you want to be, despite whatever is thrown at you from outside.
Speaker A:Expectant, unexpected things.
Speaker A:So I am getting on a plane and going back to the uk and even that whole scenario, you know, like, we originally went to the UK for two to three years.
Speaker A:We are now coming up to three, and we're extending to five.
Speaker A:And if Mel's work allows for it, then we will likely stay for six.
Speaker A:And so it is very much like feeling in a permanent state of limbo.
Speaker A:Like, feeling like not here, not there, not really wanting to put down roots there, but not also really being here.
Speaker A:So just being in that space.
Speaker A:I was thinking about this this morning.
Speaker A:Like, even just being in that space, in that sort of limbo feeling, it sort of forces this necessity to, like, be in the moment, to just deal with, like, as best as you can, make plans.
Speaker A:Like, as best as you can.
Speaker A:Yes, of course.
Speaker A:Think ahead to what you would like that future to look like, but having that flexibility to adapt to whatever might come up.
Speaker A:Like, not holding too tightly to those plans, because things can change.
Speaker A:Things can just change so quickly.
Speaker A:And it really forces you to be very much in the moment, very much just appreciating the moment and the experience.
Speaker A:Wherever you're at, Wherever I'm at for the time that I'm there, which is kind of a good thing.
Speaker A:It's kind of an uncomfortable thing.
Speaker A:Everything's temporary but indefinite at the same time.
Speaker A:But it really does force that moment to moment.
Speaker A:Just enjoy the opportunity and the experience while it lasts because who knows how long it's going to last.
Speaker A:So I just wanted to check back in a bit of a personal share, but I hope that there was something in there that is helpful for you and I will be back with you back from London again next week and I really look forward to that.
Speaker A:For those of you who are paid subscribers, I have got the recording of our live session with Michelle McQuaid ready to go as well.
Speaker A:I had so many technical issues I can't even tell you, so I apologize that that's been delayed but that will be uploaded.
Speaker A:That's it from me.
Speaker A:See you on the other side.
Speaker A:Thank you so much for being here and I will catch you next week for another episode of Crabby to Happy.
