Episode 6
How Relationships Help to Sculpt Your Ideal Self: The Michelangelo Effect
Do your partner and closest friends support and validate your ideal self?
Today, we're diving into the intriguing concept of the Michelangelo phenomenon in relationships. This idea suggests that the people closest to us can help us reveal our best selves, much like Michelangelo chipping away at stone to uncover a beautiful sculpture.
Tune in to hear how actively supporting each other's growth by affirming the qualities and aspirations that align with your ideal self, leads to enhanced satisfaction and personal growth for both you and your partner.
Whether you’re in a romantic relationship or nurturing close friendships, this episode is all about fostering connections that bring out the best in both you and those you care about.
Takeaways:
- The Michelangelo phenomenon highlights how those closest to you can help reveal your best self, promoting personal growth.
- Affirmation from a partner can help to chip away at self-doubt, allowing you to express your truest self.
- It's important to assess if your relationships support your growth or hold you back based on outdated perceptions.
- Being a supportive partner means affirming strengths and aspirations, not imposing our own ideals on others.
- Personal growth is often viewed as an individual pursuit, but relationships can significantly enhance this journey.
- To foster healthy relationships, we should communicate our personal goals and encourage each other’s growth.
Transcript
Foreign this is Crappy to Happy and I am your host, Cass Dunn.
Speaker A:I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher and of course author of the Crappy to Happy books.
Speaker A:In this show I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent people who are experts in their field and who have something of value to share that will help you feel less crappy and more happy.
Speaker A:Foreign welcome back to Crappy to Happy.
Speaker A:Such a pleasure to have you here.
Speaker A:I have been on a boat in Croatia for the last week and it was delightful.
Speaker A:And if you've not been to Croatia, can I say I highly recommend you add it to your list of holiday destinations.
Speaker A:If you're visiting Europe anytime, add it to the list.
Speaker A:We did a little sailing trip from Split to Dubrovnik and stopped at about five or six, five or six different destinations along the way.
Speaker A:The most crystal clear blue water I have ever seen.
Speaker A:There's photos on my Instagram and it was just relaxing and sunny and I went with my daughter and we had a great time.
Speaker A:I'm back now and I've got a few things I want to talk about, but the main thing I want to talk about today is relationships.
Speaker A:This seems to be the hot topic of the moment.
Speaker A:Now when I say relationships, even if you are not in an intimate relationship, I think what I want to share with you today is really helpful and really relevant to all kinds of relationships, but particularly your closest relationships.
Speaker A:So the people who are closest to you, your best friend, maybe a sibling or a family member, you know, the people that are really in your inner circle.
Speaker A:That's where this is really relevant.
Speaker A:And obviously partner, if you have a partner.
Speaker A:I want to talk to you about this idea of what is called the Michelangelo phenomenon as it applies to relationships.
Speaker A: by psychologists in the late: Speaker A:And it's just a really cool, interesting phenomenon.
Speaker A:I was going to say theory, but it's actually a phenomenon like it's been proven in research to not only improve the quality of your relationship, but improve your personal satisfaction, improve your personal well being and it benefits both parties in the relationship.
Speaker A:So let me tell you what it is.
Speaker A:Now, like I said, if you're not in an intimate relationship, you might like to consider this in the context of close friendships.
Speaker A:If you are in a relationship or if you are looking for a relationship, this might be a really useful idea to help you to assess the quality of the Relationships like.
Speaker A:Like the quality of the dynamics between you and the people in your life and how well they support.
Speaker A:And as always, I think these ideas are really useful for when we consider what we contribute to relationships.
Speaker A:I think so often in.
Speaker A:When we talk about relationships and relationship satisfaction, everything that you see and everything that you hear and probably what you even think in your own head is all about the kind of person that you want to be with, the kind of qualities you want that person to have, the kind of support that you want, the kind of, you know, dynamic that you want to experience in a relationship, and compatibility and all of those things.
Speaker A:But we often think about what the other person is bringing and what we will get from that relationship, what we hope to get from that relationship.
Speaker A:And we're not as good at thinking about what.
Speaker A:Am I contributing or am I being the best partner that I can be?
Speaker A:Now, this Michelangelo effect is named as such because it refers to the very famous quote by Michelangelo, who said that he doesn't create the sculpture, he chips away at the excess stone to reveal the sculpture that already exists within.
Speaker A:So the item of beauty is already in there.
Speaker A:It's already hidden in that lump of rock.
Speaker A:And all he's doing is removing the excess in order that it can be seen and revealed.
Speaker A:That is what the Michelangelo effect is in the context of intimate relationships.
Speaker A:The idea that the person that you are with has the capacity, or they can behave in such a way that they support you, to reveal the truth of who you are.
Speaker A:Your ideal self, your best self, that through their perception of you and the way they interact with you and their behaviors, they essentially help you to chip away at any kind of self doubt or anything that's getting in the way of you being your best self.
Speaker A:Isn't that lovely?
Speaker A:Isn't that just a lovely idea?
Speaker A:But it does require a little bit of clarification.
Speaker A:I think we need to get pretty clear about the definitions here and what it is and what it is not.
Speaker A:So the foundation of this idea is that we all have an ideal self.
Speaker A:So the ideal self is not this perfect version of you who is 100% organized and self disciplined and goes to the gym every day and it's all organic food and gets her eight hours sleep and drinks plenty of water.
Speaker A:And you know that perfect version of you who's always turning up on the 1st of January or on Monday next week, this, like, complete fantasy version that is not the ideal self.
Speaker A:When we talk about the ideal self in this context, we are talking about you being the truest expression of you kind of fulfilling your potential, expressing your gifts, really being the best version of yourself.
Speaker A:And we are all kind of wired for growth.
Speaker A:I've talked about this before.
Speaker A:We're all fundamentally driven to evolve and to actualize and to fulfill our potential and to develop our skills.
Speaker A:And prior to this theory, this idea of personal growth had very much been viewed as an individual pursuit.
Speaker A:It was something that you as an individual do yourself.
Speaker A:You work on yourself and you set goals or you work on your skills.
Speaker A:And this is a kind of a personal individual project.
Speaker A:This Michelangelo phenomenon, when it was introduced, was really the first time, I guess, in the personal development field that they took into consideration how another person can contribute to your personal growth, how another person in an intimate relationship can actually support you on your own journey of personal evolution, and moving towards aspiring to grow towards being the best version of you.
Speaker A:So the ideal self, it can often be about like thinking about what's most important to you and really aligning yourself, your outward actions with those things that you consider to be important in terms of how you live and how you prioritize your time and your energy, which might involve reprioritizing how you spend your time in terms of.
Speaker A:I'm going to spend less time binging Netflix and more time reading books because I feel like that's better for me and it's better for my mind and it's better for my health.
Speaker A:And it can be things like that that involve some degree of self discipline, but it's coming from the perspective of really growing into being the best version of you.
Speaker A:As opposed to the mentality which I often warn you against, which is about this idea that I need to somehow be fixed or I need to be different, be better.
Speaker A:Laced with self judgment, self criticism, feelings of not being good enough and aspiring.
Speaker A:Like I said to this perfect version of you that probably doesn't exist.
Speaker A:It's always about checking in with your intentions.
Speaker A:It can be things like if you have aspirations to create, if you have always held a dream that you'd like to write a book, or you want to learn an instrument, or you play an instrument and you want to perform publicly or join a band, or want to go back to university and study something that's always felt really, you've always felt really passionately about, but you've never had the opportunity, anything that you've feel like is really important to you and personal to you, that for whatever reason you have held back from expressing or pursuing.
Speaker A:Because of our own conditioning and our limited ideas and our self doubts, we all have stuff that gets in the way of us pursuing these passions and dreams and goals, for example.
Speaker A:So that's what I mean about the ideal self.
Speaker A:Expressing the truest, best version of you.
Speaker A:Pursuing the goals that are really meaningful to you, acting more in alignment with the way that is your best self.
Speaker A:Thing about the ideal self too is sometimes it can be like gifts that you don't even realize that you have, but somebody else sees them in you.
Speaker A:Getting back to this Michelangelo effect, when you are in an intimate relationship or if you're in a close relationship with another person, then there are certain ways that that person can behave towards you which will help you to actualize this ideal version of you.
Speaker A:And there are three components to this phenomenon that have been identified by psychologists.
Speaker A:And so I'm going to tell you what they are.
Speaker A:So the first is perceptual affirmation.
Speaker A:Now, affirmation is just affirming your best qualities.
Speaker A:Affirming, validating, not enhancing, not telling you that you're the greatest thing ever that ever existed.
Speaker A:You're the greatest piano player that ever lived.
Speaker A:If you are wanting to learn the piano, or you're currently trying to become more skilled at learning the piano, it's not blowing you up.
Speaker A:It's affirming genuinely your potential.
Speaker A:So the perceptual affirmation means just their perception of you in the words that they say to you.
Speaker A:Affirming this ideal self, acknowledging your strengths, really giving you positive reinforcement for those aspirations that you have for yourself.
Speaker A:If this person close to you knows that you are really working towards being better at playing the piano, let's just use that as an example.
Speaker A:Playing the guitar, learning a language, being more confident at work, speaking up more at work, or being more available to your friends, all of these things that you might aspire to improve upon in your own life, then this person is affirming those qualities in you, really encouraging your efforts, noticing, telling you that they see this, that they see the growth, that they see the improvement, that they see the potential.
Speaker A:And they're really giving you that positive reinforcement.
Speaker A:Now, the thing is, the key thing here is that they are affirming the ideal self that you have identified.
Speaker A:They're not imposing their version of the ideal self.
Speaker A:That's a whole different thing.
Speaker A:Not so helpful.
Speaker A:You have your own version of your.
Speaker A:Your own idea or your own concept of your ideal self, and they're affirming your efforts in that regard to move closer to being that ideal version of you.
Speaker A:They're really encouraging and supportive and positive in their language and Acknowledging in their.
Speaker A:How they talk to you, that they see that in you.
Speaker A:So that in itself, that's perceptual affirmation.
Speaker A:They perceive the best in you.
Speaker A:They're saying you're doing great.
Speaker A:I really see the effort that you're making.
Speaker A:It may even be that they are seeing strengths in you, like I said, that you don't see in yourself.
Speaker A:That's what perceptual affirmation is as well.
Speaker A:Now, this is not the Pygmalion effect, which is something different.
Speaker A:Now, the Pygmalion effect is when somebody holds you to a high standard because they know that you will work harder to achieve it.
Speaker A:So if a boss or a teacher or somebody in your life really sets a high expectation of you, like sets the bar high for you, and that has the effect of really causing you to work hard and make more effort to strive to meet that standard, that can also be a really positive effect.
Speaker A:But that's not what we're talking about here.
Speaker A:We're just talking about affirming the actual effort that you're making, the actual progress that you're making, and the idea that you hold for yourself.
Speaker A:Affirming that, yeah, like, you can be that you can do that.
Speaker A:Of course you can.
Speaker A:I see that in you, that kind of affirming language.
Speaker A:Like, why wouldn't you want to learn Spanish and go live in Spain for a year?
Speaker A:Like, of course you would.
Speaker A:That makes perfect sense.
Speaker A:Not telling you.
Speaker A:That's ridiculous.
Speaker A:Don't be.
Speaker A:Don't be crazy.
Speaker A:Like, you know, that sort of negative and really undermining language, that's perceptual affirmation.
Speaker A:Now, the second thing, the second part of the Michelangelo phenomenon is behavioral affirmation.
Speaker A:So that's when the person actually does something in their own actions.
Speaker A:They are affirming your efforts and your ideal self.
Speaker A:So if you working towards, I want less tv, I want more reading books, I want to expand my worldview.
Speaker A:I want to go back to uni.
Speaker A:I want to go back and study this thing that I've always been really interested in.
Speaker A:The behavioral affirmation is somebody actively taking action that supports you in that, in your endeavor.
Speaker A:Remember, this is all your goal, your perception, your ideal self.
Speaker A:And all they're doing is validating and supporting that with their actions.
Speaker A:So this is the person who goes out and picks up the brochure or does some research or see something online and sends it to you and says, hey, you might like this.
Speaker A:It'd be really interesting because this is in line with what you are looking to achieve.
Speaker A:So they're not just words, they're following it up with action.
Speaker A:They're saying, yeah, look, hey, we, we're not going to watch TV three nights a week.
Speaker A:We're going to have chill time and you're going to read your book and I'm going to do something else.
Speaker A:Like they're actually supporting you with their own behaviors.
Speaker A:And then the third piece in this Michelangelo phenomenon is when the ideal and the actual start to come closer together, the gap begins to close.
Speaker A:And that's because you start becoming more of your ideal self more of the time.
Speaker A:You are actually genuinely making progress and moving towards expressing, being, living that version of you that is your ideal self as a result of this person close to you, verbally affirming you, holding a concept of you that is in alignment with what it is that you aspire to be, really validating that, then physically taking action and behaving in a way that is genuinely supporting you to implement that and to be that, then you start to take the action.
Speaker A:As a result of their belief in you, you actually start to change and the growth starts to happen within you.
Speaker A:And the research shows that when this is in action, when this plays out in a relationship, then you, the person, feel a whole lot more satisfied, really satisfied with the relationship.
Speaker A:You feel satisfied in life generally.
Speaker A:You feel personally satisfied because you are making these strides towards growth, personal growth, and developing and becoming the best version of you.
Speaker A:And the other person.
Speaker A:Also, interestingly enough, they tend to become closer to their ideal self.
Speaker A:So we all hold some version of our ideal self which relates to us being a good partner, being a supportive partner.
Speaker A:And in your partner supporting you to become the best version of you, they also get this side effect, this kind of byproduct, which is that they also feel closer to their ideal self, which enhances their personal satisfaction and their relationship satisfaction.
Speaker A:So it is this really lovely positive feedback loop when it's all working together.
Speaker A:So I think the really key thing to take away from this, because that'll probably sounds very obvious once you hear it laid out like that.
Speaker A:But if you think about what really happens in relationships, often there is an emphasis on trying to change things about another person there, you know, this kind of element of wanting to fix people or need, needing people to be different in some way.
Speaker A:Whereas this Michelangelo effect is really about affirming the strengths in the other person and affirming their strengths, their, their idea of, of their ideal self that's so critical.
Speaker A:It's not the other person's idea of what is your best self or what you should be doing.
Speaker A:It's not imposing their ideas on you.
Speaker A:It's affirming your ideas, your dreams, your aspirations, your personal goals, what you want for yourself.
Speaker A:And in order to do that, they have to know that about you.
Speaker A:So it requires a certain level of intimacy and genuine curiosity for them to say, what do you aspire to?
Speaker A:Like, what do you dream of doing?
Speaker A:And how are you working to grow?
Speaker A:Or, and how can I support you?
Speaker A:So it takes knowing what your ideal self is, what your personal growth goals are, and then actually just validating that.
Speaker A:Like I said, it's not enhancing, it's not exaggerating, it's just acknowledging and validating what you are doing and really reflecting back to you that of course that's possible.
Speaker A:Of course I see that in you.
Speaker A:I see that for you.
Speaker A:Of course you can do that.
Speaker A:Of course you can be that.
Speaker A:And then taking the action to support, not just words, action, putting that in to motion.
Speaker A:So that's the Michelangelo effect.
Speaker A:And now that you've heard about it, you can no doubt see how it does relate to intimate relationships.
Speaker A:But hopefully you can also see how this relates to friendships.
Speaker A:Like, do you have a friend who is a little negative, a little critical, who cuts you down, who maybe is still holding on to like an old idea of who you are?
Speaker A:And that can even happen in partner relationships, like an old version of you that they're still clinging on to and they want you to stay that old version of you when you've got, you're moving, you're growing you, you've got other things in life that you want to do and achieve and become, and you want somebody that's on the same page with that, that's growing with you.
Speaker A:So who in your life is there with you and growing with you and supporting your growth, and who is really still stuck holding on to an old version of you?
Speaker A:You know how there's people who sometimes in the comments that they, that they make or the things that they say, it's so obvious that they're referring to a version of you in their judgments of you or their, or their perceptions of you or their opinions of, of who you are, they just have to say one thing and you think, oh my God, like you, that version of me is long gone.
Speaker A:Who, like, where, where have you been?
Speaker A:You know, we've all got those people in our life that are still stuck on some old version.
Speaker A:That version's gone.
Speaker A:So are your people keeping up with you?
Speaker A:Are the people closest to you Are they with you on the same page?
Speaker A:And are they affirming your growth and really supporting and championing your growth?
Speaker A:And are you?
Speaker A:This is always the question.
Speaker A:Are you with the people closest to you on the same page?
Speaker A:Do you know what their current dreams are?
Speaker A:Do you know what they're working towards?
Speaker A:Are you still hanging on to an old version of somebody in your life?
Speaker A:Or are you still trying to fix or change somebody instead of actually affirming and acknowledging their strengths and really seeing their truest potential and supporting them to really emerge, not become something that they're not?
Speaker A:It's not about anybody becoming something that they're not, but it's about helping them to emerge as the truest, most authentic version of themselves.
Speaker A:There's lots of reasons why we choose not to or feel we are unable to be that truest version of ourselves, do the things that we really aspire to fulfill, the dreams that feel really important to us, personal circumstances, social conditioning, family messaging, lack of opportunity, you know, limiting ideas, limiting beliefs about what we think is possible for us.
Speaker A:Loads and loads of reasons why people have unexpressed potential, unexpressed talent, creativity, ideas, skills, strengths.
Speaker A:And we all deserve the opportunity to move forward and to step into what that thing is.
Speaker A:That is the truest, the truest expression of who we are.
Speaker A:And if you can help somebody to do that, then that is a gift.
Speaker A:And if somebody else can help you to do that, then appreciate that gift, what it is.
Speaker A:And that is all I've got to say on that topic.
Speaker A:I've actually got another relationship episode coming up, or maybe I'll space it out for a week or two.
Speaker A:So I'm not bombarding you with too much relationship content, but I do have a relationship expert who is coming onto the show.
Speaker A:So maybe your challenge this week as you go forward is to consider whether you are being the Michelangelo for the people closest to you and maybe do a little assessment of how many of those people you have in your life or whether there's a conversation that you need to have with the people closest to you to see if maybe you can be better for each other in terms of validating and affirming the best version of the important people in your life.
Speaker A:Thank you so much for being here.
Speaker A:I will be back next week and I cannot wait to catch you for another fabulous episode of Crabby the Happy.
