Episode 2
Reconnecting in Relationships: How to Bridge the Emotional Gap
Feeling disconnected in relationships is a theme that's been surfacing a lot lately in my coaching sessions, and I think it’s something that many of us can relate to.
In this episode, I dive into the common struggles women face in long-term partnerships, particularly the sense of not being heard or satisfied. We explore the importance of owning our part in relationship dynamics while also recognising when our emotional needs aren’t being met.
I share insights on how to navigate those tough conversations that can feel daunting but are essential for connection. Ultimately, we discuss the deeper emotional issues behind surface-level complaints and how reconnecting with a shared vision for the future can reignite the spark in a relationship.
So, if you're feeling a bit lost or disconnected, this episode just might offer some helpful perspectives.
Takeaways:
- Feeling disconnected in relationships is a common theme that many women experience, especially in long-term partnerships, and it's important to address this.
- To improve your relationship, it's crucial to understand your own emotional patterns and responsibilities without self-judgement or blame.
- Effective communication requires clarity about what you want to achieve from difficult conversations, focusing on positive intentions rather than complaints.
- Deep emotional needs often underlie surface complaints about behaviour; recognising and expressing these needs is essential for resolving relationship issues.
You might also want to check out these episodes:
Cracking the Code on Relationships with Dr Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples
https://www.crappytohappypod.com/cracking-the-code-on-relationships-with-dr-sue-johnson/
The Key to Successful Relationships with Dr Ann Kelley
https://www.crappytohappypod.com/the-key-to-successful-relationships-with-dr-ann-kelley/
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Transcript
Foreign this is Crappy to Happy and I am your host, Cass Dunn.
Speaker A:I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher and of course author of the Crappy to Happy books.
Speaker A:In this show I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent people who are experts in their field and who have something of value to share that will help you feel less crappy and more happy.
Speaker A:Foreign welcome back to another episode of Crappy to Happy.
Speaker A:We've got a theme happening at the moment.
Speaker A:Or should I say, I've got a bit of a theme happening with my private coaching clients.
Speaker A:And when there's a theme happening with my private coaching clients, it's always a sign to me that I should talk about it.
Speaker A:Because if all these people are experiencing a similar thing, then maybe it is something that you are also experiencing.
Speaker A:And that theme is feeling disconnected in relationships.
Speaker A:Repeatedly over the last few weeks I have had conversations with my coaching slash therapy clients because it's a little coaching, a little therapy who are women who have been in long term relationships and who are finding themselves not feeling heard, feeling very disconnected, feeling dissatisfied really with the quality of the relationship.
Speaker A:And remember, these are women who are investing in themselves so they are not just looking to blame their partner for their problems.
Speaker A:They are actively working on their own emotional regulation, on healing their own old wounds, on taking responsibility for how they're showing up in life and learning to be better able to regulate themselves, to be more self aware, to pursue their own interests, pursue their own social connections, hobbies, passion projects, businesses, whatever it might be.
Speaker A:These are women who are really doing the work and maybe that's the reason that they are then realizing that actually this partnership that I'm in is not really doing it for me.
Speaker A:Like there's a gap here, there's a disconnect.
Speaker A:I'm not feeling like I'm getting my needs met and that's really painful place to be.
Speaker A:Especially when you are at a point in life where you don't want to be single again.
Speaker A:This is the person you imagined that you were growing old with.
Speaker A:You don't want to be leaving the relationship, but something needs to change, something needs to be fixed.
Speaker A:It means having difficult conversations.
Speaker A:And of course then when you have difficult conversations, you bump up against all of that person's, all of your partners, unresolved issues.
Speaker A:You very quickly learn how emotionally mature or not your partner is when you start to raise issues, want to have a conversation, and are met with maybe stonewalling, silence, passive aggressiveness, just not being heard, being dismissed, having them turn things around and blame you, whatever the situation might be like, you soon learn whether your partner has got the emotional maturity and the emotional regulation skills and the capacity to be able to have these conversations and work with you.
Speaker A:And if they don't, well, then that, that raises a whole other can of worms, doesn't it?
Speaker A:Because it's not your job to fix them and it's not in your control whether your partner is going to choose to take responsibility for doing that work themselves.
Speaker A:So I can't promise to fix your marriage in one podcast episode, but maybe what I can share with you is just some ideas and some suggestions for you to think about.
Speaker A:I don't know you or your situation or the issues that you're dealing with or the state of your marriage or your partnership.
Speaker A:But I think there are some general guidelines or just some general helpful ideas to take on board that might just help you to know what your next step is or how you might go about navigating the conversations that you might want to have if you find yourself in this situation.
Speaker A:So I guess the very first thing, like I said earlier, is when I'm talking to clients of mine, I know them and we have been working together.
Speaker A:So I already have a sense.
Speaker A:We've already discussed what their own emotional patterns are, what their personal history is, what their core wounds are, what triggers them, how, how they go into emotional shutdown or they get defensive.
Speaker A:So we've worked on that together and in some cases, you know, we've been actively doing the work to resolve those issues so that they don't keep going, falling into those same patterns.
Speaker A:I don't know you personally, maybe I do.
Speaker A:But it's really helpful for you to have some understanding of that yourself.
Speaker A:Know that about yourself first and foremost.
Speaker A:Know what your own patterns are.
Speaker A:Are you the one who tends to shut down and keep it all bottled up inside?
Speaker A:Stew when you're feeling unhappy with something that your partner's done, Are you the one who expects them to be a mind reader when you haven't actually told them what's wrong and then you're furious that they haven't asked you what's wrong when you're stomping around the house?
Speaker A:Like, we all have these old habits and patterns that we fall into.
Speaker A:So doing that, work yourself to understand your own patterns with no judgment, with no self judgment.
Speaker A:Like we're all just walking around these, with all of these conditioned responses, these patterns that we've fallen into, that we've, by this stage of life, we've been doing these things over and over for years.
Speaker A:And, you know, we've talked about there's wounded parts and there's protector parts and there's work that we can all do there to heal and resolve some of those patterns that they don't keep playing out.
Speaker A:So taking that responsibility yourself, I guess, is what I'm saying.
Speaker A:First and foremost, just being prepared to own that and maybe to do the work that you need to do now.
Speaker A:Which is not to say that you should take all of the responsibility for every issue in your relationship, but it is important to own your share, you know, and you're not expected to be a whole, healed, perfect person either.
Speaker A:In order to be able to have a happy, connected, satisfying relationship with somebody, you don't have to have done all the work and be this perfectly, fully whole, healed, fantasy version of yourself, which is probably never going to exist.
Speaker A:You get what I'm saying?
Speaker A:It's just about being able to say, okay, you know, maybe that bit was on me, or maybe I could have communicated that a little bit better, or maybe I have never spoken out loud about the things that bother me, or maybe I do get a little bit defensive at times and maybe I react badly to things.
Speaker A:Now, here's one.
Speaker A:Maybe this is the role that I've been playing for our whole the duration of our relationship.
Speaker A:I've been the dutiful caregiver, nurturer, wife, mother, whatever.
Speaker A:You know, I've been subjugating my own needs, downplaying my preferences, desires, opinions.
Speaker A:I've let my partner run the show, call the shots, make the decisions, take the lead.
Speaker A:We've always done what they want to do, but now I don't like that anymore.
Speaker A:But I got to take responsibility for the fact that I've played this part for all of this time.
Speaker A:There was a time that maybe I thought this served me.
Speaker A:Maybe there was a time that I felt like this was just the way things are, or this was the way I felt I had to be, or this.
Speaker A:How is how I was conditioned to be.
Speaker A:I thought this was the easier option.
Speaker A:This was the way that I keep the peace and keep things harmonious.
Speaker A:Like, I thought that was just simpler.
Speaker A:Had a great conversation with Michelle McQuaid on this topic.
Speaker A:She came on and talked about good girl syndrome, and she talked about her own marriage.
Speaker A:In our page community, we had a private call with her and she talked about her own marriage and how, you know, she just continued to do that for their whole.
Speaker A:Her whole marriage until she reached a point where she was like, you know what?
Speaker A:This isn't satisfying for me anymore.
Speaker A:I can't continue to do that.
Speaker A:This and I gave my partner opportunities to step up and to change the dynamic and do things differently.
Speaker A:But ultimately he wasn't able to do that.
Speaker A:And so we kind of freely let each other go.
Speaker A:You know, I am happier, he's happier, and we are still great mates.
Speaker A:We co parent, we're very amicable.
Speaker A:We're just happy you're apart.
Speaker A:So just being willing to own your responsibility, I guess, is the number one point.
Speaker A:I think the next thing is getting really clear about what it is that you want to be different in the relationship.
Speaker A:What's missing?
Speaker A:What specifically?
Speaker A:If things could change, if there was a magic wand and this relationship was all that you want it to be, what would be different?
Speaker A:Having some sense of that, I think is really helpful.
Speaker A:One thing that we often really get wrong when we talk about relationship conflict and healing and resolving issues in relationships.
Speaker A:And even if you go off to see a therapist, oftentimes what gets brought up, the issues that get brought up are to do with behaviors.
Speaker A:You don't spend enough time with me.
Speaker A:We don't do enough things together.
Speaker A:When we're in social situations, I feel ignored.
Speaker A:Or we don't really have anything to talk about besides the kids.
Speaker A:Like, it's.
Speaker A:It's all this kind of it's important stuff, but it's focused on what's happening in the external.
Speaker A:It's focused on the behavior patterns, the dynamics that play out.
Speaker A:Like, I feel like I'm not supported.
Speaker A:You're not helping out enough with kids or home or housework or the expectations you have of me are unrealistic or unreasonable.
Speaker A:You seem more focused on your work or your mates than you are on me and us and the relationship.
Speaker A:I don't like the way you talk to the kids.
Speaker A:I don't like how angry you get.
Speaker A:You know, we're on a different page when it comes to parenting decisions, all this sort of thing.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:Which is all valid.
Speaker A:Typically.
Speaker A:What is really the issue is something much deeper than that.
Speaker A:Whatever complaint that you have about a behavior, it is really speaking to a deeper emotional need that is not being met.
Speaker A:And expressing a deep emotional need that's not being met is very vulnerable.
Speaker A:And people will.
Speaker A:Even in intimate relationships, even in your marriage, people feel really uncomfortable expressing a deep, unmet emotional need.
Speaker A:It feels really scary and vulnerable.
Speaker A:And so people will avoid talking about their scary vulnerability and instead focus on you never come home straight away after.
Speaker A:Football, golf, I don't know, whatever.
Speaker A:You're too preoccupied with work.
Speaker A:I Feel like, you know, you're not there and you're not present, you're not connected.
Speaker A:When we're sitting and we're having dinner, you're on your phone, whatever.
Speaker A:It might be all these behaviors.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:But it's not the behavior.
Speaker A:It is that something is missing.
Speaker A:I do not feel emotionally seen, heard, understood.
Speaker A:I don't feel valued, appreciated.
Speaker A:I feel rejected.
Speaker A:I feel sad.
Speaker A:I feel unattractive.
Speaker A:I feel lost.
Speaker A:I feel alone.
Speaker A:I feel like you've got this great life and I don't have anything.
Speaker A:I feel pathetic, whatever.
Speaker A:Like, that stuff's hard.
Speaker A:That stuff's much harder to share and especially much harder to share with somebody that you don't feel like you're emotionally connecting with.
Speaker A:You're not necessarily feeling safe with this person.
Speaker A:You're not necessarily like, yeah, they're there.
Speaker A:They're familiar that you're there every day and you're not really fighting and you're not, you know, there's no conflict there.
Speaker A:Known them most of your adult life, you know, a lot of the time or for many years.
Speaker A:But there's not that emotional intimacy there that feels safe and that you feel like you can really express that and have that land and have that be received in a way that will be heard and held and responded to in a way that is positive so that you do feel supported and connected.
Speaker A:So it's a big, scary risk to put something like that out there when you don't know what you're going to get back, which is why mostly you don't say it.
Speaker A:And so mostly you just focus on you never come home.
Speaker A:And then they say, well, what is there to come home to?
Speaker A:You're only watching Real Housewives anyway, so what is even the point?
Speaker A:We're not even doing anything together, so what does it matter?
Speaker A:And why do you stop.
Speaker A:Why don't you stop nagging me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker A:You see what I'm saying?
Speaker A:Missing the point.
Speaker A:If we're talking about the behaviors, you can say, I want us to do more things together on the weekend.
Speaker A:But what you really mean is, I want us to.
Speaker A:I want you to want to be with me.
Speaker A:I want you to choose me.
Speaker A:I want you to want to spend quality time with me and us to have a good time together.
Speaker A:I want us to be able to talk about things that are actually meaningful and that matter.
Speaker A:I want to be able to express how I feel about something or how hurt I am and for you to actually hear me and respond to that.
Speaker A:So that's really important.
Speaker A:And sometimes that requires a couple's therapist to help to facilitate that conversation so that it does feel safe, if you are to choose to go and see a couples therapist, then I would make sure that you find somebody who has experience in a more emotionally focused way of approaching couples therapy.
Speaker A:Because many couples therapists, I mean, I don't know, I've been out of the industry for a really long time.
Speaker A:But, you know, a lot of couples therapists are probably going to talk about your communication skills, and I'm probably going to talk about how you work in more, spending more time together.
Speaker A:And sometimes, sometimes that's missing the point, sometimes that's not really getting to it at all.
Speaker A:So then I think the next thing is, once you are really clear about what it is that you want to be different, once you are also very clear and willing to own your own part in this without taking all the responsibility, but willing to take your share of the responsibility when you decide, if you decide that you need to approach your partner to have a conversation about this, you want to talk about this and you want to resolve things, you want to improve things.
Speaker A:First up, I think it's really important that you're very clear about what your objective is in having that conversation.
Speaker A:Like when you raise this issue that you know what it is that you want to get out of the conversation.
Speaker A:I would say that about any important conversation, whether it's in the workplace or whether it's with a friend or a family member.
Speaker A:Like, you want to be really clear about what your objective is.
Speaker A:So you kind of know what you're asking for, that you're not just going in to raise a complaint.
Speaker A:Whether you think that that's what you're doing is raising a complaint, you know, if there's a chance it's going to just be received as a complaint, if it's just going to be heard as a complaint and have somebody, the other person become defensive about it, which again, is not entirely your responsibility.
Speaker A:You don't need to own that.
Speaker A:But I just mean to know what it is that you want to get out of the conversation.
Speaker A:What's your positive intention?
Speaker A:What is your positive intention in having this conversation?
Speaker A:You don't want to just offload.
Speaker A:You don't want to bitch and whinge.
Speaker A:You don't want to just complain about how shit everything is and what a terrible person they are and how unhappy you are, because that's not going to be well received.
Speaker A:Like we, we probably know that we don't have to be couples therap to know that that's usually not well received.
Speaker A:What is your positive intention?
Speaker A:What is the positive outcome that you're looking for?
Speaker A:And it doesn't have to be you want to transform the whole relationship.
Speaker A:It might just be that you want.
Speaker A:The outcome of this first conversation is to be able to allocate some time to have another conversation.
Speaker A:Like that really could be it.
Speaker A:Do you want to raise it?
Speaker A:There's some things that you want to talk about or some things that you want to work on together.
Speaker A:And could you just make some time?
Speaker A:We can be undisturbed, like maybe that's the outcome or the objective of the first conversation.
Speaker A:So when you're going into the conversation, you know what it is that you're wanting to achieve that is positive.
Speaker A:The key thing in this is to be cultivating trust, fostering a sense of trust and togetherness.
Speaker A:Like, we're in this together.
Speaker A:This is not me against you.
Speaker A:This is our relationship.
Speaker A:This is our family.
Speaker A:This is our future.
Speaker A:So if we want this to be different, it is for the benefit of both of us.
Speaker A:And that's what I'm here for.
Speaker A:I'm here to try to make this better for both of us.
Speaker A:I'm willing to own my part in it, but I'm also needing you to come to the table and own your own part in it.
Speaker A:But we're not saying that in an accusatory way.
Speaker A:We're just coming in with the positive intention and coming in with the shared goal.
Speaker A:Right, and the shared goal, I mean, to be honest, the shared goal, the outcome might be that you don't want to be in this relationship.
Speaker A:I'm saying all of this with the assumption that you do.
Speaker A:It actually might be that you don't.
Speaker A:And it actually might be that the outcome that you're looking for is to get you both on the same page, that you would both be happier not in this relationship anymore.
Speaker A:And if that's your decision, you know, you're.
Speaker A:You're entitled to make that decision, but you might just want to be really hopeful that you can get to that so that it's a shared understanding and that.
Speaker A:And that you can both agree that that's the best outcome.
Speaker A:Instead of feeling like you're pulling the rug out from underneath somebody, you know, you might want to really be trying to facilitate getting you both on the same page with that being the best outcome.
Speaker A:So maybe that's the intention of the conversation.
Speaker A:And I'll just say on that point, by the way, I truly believe that you are going to get a better outcome if you are comfortable within yourself that you could live without this relationship wouldn't be what you want, maybe wouldn't be what you would choose necessarily, but that you would be willing to walk away if that is what is going to be the best thing for you.
Speaker A:I think if you go into a conversation like this, knowing within yourself, whether you say it out loud or not doesn't matter, but knowing within yourself that if the outcome is that this is not redeemable, this relationship can't be saved, that you would be accepting of it being over.
Speaker A:And the reason that I say that is because when you're comfortable with that, like when you're comfortable that I might need to walk away from this to be happy, it means that if you stay, it's because.
Speaker A:Because you choose to stay.
Speaker A:It's because you choose to say, not because you think there's no other option.
Speaker A:If you think this is.
Speaker A:There is no other option.
Speaker A:If you're in this situation or if you're approaching this conversation or if you are wondering what to do about how you feel, which is not happy.
Speaker A:And in your mind, separating is not an option.
Speaker A:Divorce is not an option.
Speaker A:It's off the table.
Speaker A:That can't happen.
Speaker A:Unwilling to go there, you're in a pretty compromised situation.
Speaker A:Like, you're going to be much more likely to make a whole lot of compromises and to put up with a whole lot of stuff that is maybe not going to be in your best interest because you're afraid of the alternative.
Speaker A:You're afraid of risking the relationship.
Speaker A:If you're willing to risk the relationship, then you're much more likely to raise all the issues, have all the hard conversations, really get some proper change, you know, some meaningful change in the dynamic of the relationship so that ultimately you feel happy to stay and that you choose to stay and make it work.
Speaker A:Now, look, I don't know, maybe there'll be some people who disagree with me on that.
Speaker A:Maybe some people who've got very strong Christian values who, like, you know, you don't get divorced, you've got to stick in there, you've got to hang in there, and you've got to make it work.
Speaker A:Like, otherwise, too many people just walk away these days.
Speaker A:Too many people just throw it in and marriage means nothing anymore.
Speaker A:Well, you know, there's arguments for marriage being a really outdated, antiquated institution which probably has run its course, I don't know.
Speaker A:But I think that whole just staying in it, sticking it out because it's the done thing, because that's what you're supposed to do.
Speaker A:And because that's what your family expects and your church expects and your friends expect.
Speaker A:And you don't want to be that person to walk away from your marriage.
Speaker A:Like, I feel like that really puts you in a compromised situation where you are much less likely to really fight for and advocate for and stand up for the changes that you want to see that are going to make you the happiest and most satisfied that you can be in that relationship.
Speaker A:You also know the two of you both know that you are there because you choose to be, not because you feel like you're stuck there, not because you feel like this is your lot in life and you've just got to suck it up and you've just got to make it work.
Speaker A:Because that's not really the grounds for a happy, satisfying relationship, is it?
Speaker A:Like, that's just, oh, well, there's no reason there to advocate for change if you're just in it for the long haul.
Speaker A:What motivation is there?
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:Like, there's nothing to risk losing because you know that you.
Speaker A:You're not going anywhere anyway.
Speaker A:That's a philosophical debate.
Speaker A:We can have some other time.
Speaker A:I just feel like, even in your own mind, if you feel like you would be willing to walk away, it means that if you stay, it's going to be because you choose to.
Speaker A:And it's your life, and you only get one.
Speaker A:I guess when you have that conversation with your partner, too, then once you do start that interaction and that dialogue, it's really important to just observe the dynamic in the exchange.
Speaker A:Now, this is potentially a whole other podcast episode about those communication patterns and the default ways that people respond and react.
Speaker A:But, you know, there is a part of you.
Speaker A:With mindfulness, I'm all about mindfulness.
Speaker A:With mindfulness, there is a part of you that is in the conversation, having the conversation, and there is another part of you that is observing the interaction.
Speaker A:You know that you would experience that yourself, whether you're a meditator or you are skilled at mindfulness or not.
Speaker A:Typically, you can be in a conversation.
Speaker A:We've all had the experience of, you know, being in an argument.
Speaker A:And there's one part of us that's there having the argument and another part of us that's up in our head going, what the fuck?
Speaker A:Are we even.
Speaker A:Why are we even having this argument?
Speaker A:This is ridiculous.
Speaker A:You know that, right?
Speaker A:There's this part of you that witnesses, and there's this part of you that's actually engaged now, keeping that witnessing part on board.
Speaker A:Can be really helpful while you have that conversation.
Speaker A:So you're not just following the content of the conversation, talking about what it is that you want for the relationship, talking about where you might be dissatisfied, asking your partner what they want or what they would see differently or how satisfied they are.
Speaker A:There's all of that back and forth about the content, but then there's the actual process of how you interact, and that is actually more important.
Speaker A:So observing whether there is avoiding a question or turning things around and putting them back on you, or avoidance of responsibility, even in yourself, observe your own patterns.
Speaker A:Are you bringing up things that happened 15 years ago that should be let go?
Speaker A:Are you getting triggered by certain things that are happening or things that your partner's saying that you know are not helpful to this current conversation?
Speaker A:So just keeping one eye, if it's possible, on the dynamics of that interaction, Any tendency to stonewall, get up, walk out of the room, refuse to engage in a difficult conversation, escalate into a conflict, and just have the presence of mind, if possible, to be able to manage that dynamic, to be able to have the presence of mind, to be able to say, this is not going well, maybe we need to take a break from this.
Speaker A:Maybe I got off track there.
Speaker A:Or to reflect back to them.
Speaker A:You actually.
Speaker A:I'm not sure if you noticed, but you didn't actually answer the question then.
Speaker A:I'm feeling like this, I'm observing this, I'm noticing this.
Speaker A:Like speaking to your own experience without going into, there you go again.
Speaker A:You always do this.
Speaker A:You always change the subject.
Speaker A:You always bring up this.
Speaker A:You know, you don't want to go into that.
Speaker A:Be really mindful of not going into that.
Speaker A:Attacking, accusatory, critical kind of language, and keep the focus on, you know, what's happening right here in this moment, in this dynamic, Taking a pause and taking a break if you need to.
Speaker A:But like I said, that's probably a whole other conversation.
Speaker A:And then I think, last but not least, and this probably goes without saying, what you really wanting to do, I think, is to get back on board with a shared vision for this relationship.
Speaker A:Where is this going?
Speaker A:If you've been with your partner for a really long time, like, if it's the same person you've been married to for your whole life or it's been a really long time, maybe even if it's your second marriage or whatever, but when you're first together, there are certain priorities.
Speaker A:You're at a certain point in your working life, you might have had young kids, you might have had Kids together.
Speaker A:There's a lot of focus on all of these other things in life.
Speaker A:And then you get to this point where the focus is shifted.
Speaker A:Kids have grown up, kids are moving out.
Speaker A:You're at a different point in your career.
Speaker A:You're starting to look towards, you know, when are we retiring?
Speaker A:Where do we want to spend our later years?
Speaker A:You're starting to really look at priorities shifting as you get older.
Speaker A:And so if you don't already, if you haven't already had those conversations, how do you get back on board with a shared vision for this relationship in the future?
Speaker A:Like, how do you tap back into some sense of enthusiasm and excitement for the future of this relationship, like you did when you were first together?
Speaker A:Like when you were first together and you had big plans and dreams about the life you're going to create and the house we're going to decorate and the kids were going to have and the.
Speaker A:All of the things, right, you've moved past that now.
Speaker A:So what's the new vision?
Speaker A:Where's it going?
Speaker A:How do you want to spend later life together?
Speaker A:And if it's feeling like it's not like, if it's feeling like I'm going down one path and they're going down this other path and not there's no together, there's no us in this, then maybe that's what the conversation is about.
Speaker A:It's like, well, how do we get back on board with a shared vision?
Speaker A:What are our shared priorities?
Speaker A:What are we working towards together?
Speaker A:But like I said, at the end of the day, do you feel seen, heard, felt understood?
Speaker A:Do you feel like you can express what your needs are, have them heard, have them validated?
Speaker A:These are really the issues.
Speaker A:Like, this is really usually what the problem is when you're feeling a disconnect in your relationship.
Speaker A:All the surface level stuff, all the behavioral stuff, they're usually more like symptoms or byproducts of a deeper level of emotional disconnection.
Speaker A:So how you go about getting that back really comes down to emotional maturity.
Speaker A:A willingness to really develop the skills within yourself to be mindful and to regulate yourself, regulate your own emotions, separate the past from the present and feel safe to communicate and express what it is that you really need.
Speaker A:And then see what happens, see what feedback you get.
Speaker A:And based on what feedback you get is going to determine what your next step is, isn't it?
Speaker A:Like, all you're doing is putting something out there and seeing what comes back.
Speaker A:I hope that is helpful.
Speaker A:Obviously, half an hour podcast isn't going to solve all of the problems of the world.
Speaker A:But given that this has come up quite a lot, and especially women in this sort of age, middle age, long term relationships, priorities shifting, feeling emotionally unsupported, who have spent many years looking out for everybody else's needs and have come to a where they look around and there's not much there anymore.
Speaker A:And maybe there's a lot of other things that need to be worked on as well in terms of building up your own sense of yourself and your interests and your passion projects and cultivating really high quality friendships.
Speaker A:But your primary relationship is also a really big part of that.
Speaker A:It's also a really big contributor to your satisfaction in life.
Speaker A:So if that is an issue for you, hope that you're able to navigate some of those conversations and obviously seek out some professional help to facilitate the conversations.
Speaker A:If you feel like there's a breakdown there, that is it from me.
Speaker A:You guys.
Speaker A:Now we are currently in the midst of our new series in the Beyond Happy paid subscription podcast.
Speaker A:It's only $10 a month, not even that.
Speaker A:And it is called Mindfulness and then Want, where I am actually releasing two episodes a week, all based on how mindfulness and related skills and processes can help you live a healthier, happier, more connected life.
Speaker A:And some of it is actually quite relevant to this topic of relationship skills and your own emotional regulation, your own attachment issues.
Speaker A:So if you want to join in for that, even just for a month, then either come to my substack and or Spotify and opt in that way.
Speaker A:Substack and Spotify are connected or you can just press the upgrade button.
Speaker A:In Apple podcasts you can join for a month, you can join for a year and you get the private podcast and you get lots of other things which we're kicking off group calls, webinars, things like that.
Speaker A:So if you want to join in on that, highly recommend.
Speaker A:It's only very new fledgling and still really small, but I'm excited to grow that community.
Speaker A:But yes, mindfulness and then what?
Speaker A:Lots of good stuff in this month's new series, so I'd love to see you there.
Speaker A:Have a great week.
Speaker A:I cannot wait to catch you next next week for another fabulous episode of Crabby to Happy.
