Episode 7
How to Heal your Wounded Parts & Step into your Wisest Self
This week, we're diving into parts work, with an introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and how you can apply it as a tool for self-healing.
We'll explore how recognising and connecting with different parts of yourself - like your inner child or your inner perfectionist - can lead to greater self-awareness, self-compassion and personal growth. The episode highlights the importance of curiosity and kindness as you navigate your emotional landscape, encouraging you to accept all the parts of you.
Takeaways:
- Understanding Internal Family Systems therapy can help us connect with different parts of ourselves.
- Parts work encourages self-compassion by acknowledging the motivations behind our behaviours and emotions.
- Embracing our wounded parts allows for healing and a healthier relationship with our inner selves.
Connect with Cass:
Email: hello@crappytohappypod.com
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Transcript
Foreign this is Crappy to Happy and I am your host, Cass Dunn.
Speaker A:I'm a clinical and coaching psychologist and mindfulness meditation teacher and of course, author of the Crappy to Happy books.
Speaker A:In this show, I bring you conversations with interesting, inspiring, intelligent people who are experts in their field and who have something of value to share that will help you feel less crappy and more happy.
Speaker A:Foreign hello and welcome to another solo episode of Crappy to Happy.
Speaker A:I have to apologize for not being around lately.
Speaker A:I have been busy launching our subscriber version of the podcast and I didn't mean for that to get in the way of regular episodes, but I have had a lot of of tech challenges to deal with giving me headaches.
Speaker A:So that's been fun.
Speaker A:Good news, it's all kicked off now.
Speaker A:Shouldn't be more problems.
Speaker A:I've got so much stored ready to share with you.
Speaker A:I've got three interviews that you are going to love and back to regular scheduling.
Speaker A:Now.
Speaker A:By now you obviously know about the private podcast.
Speaker A:Crabby to Happy will continue as usual with weekly episodes.
Speaker A:One thing that has been really interesting to me over this past 12 months that I've been learning more about, and I've talked about it a little bit before on the show, is the idea of parts work.
Speaker A:Like working with different parts of you, connecting with maybe a younger version of you.
Speaker A:All of this is basically ifs internal family systems therapy.
Speaker A:It's essentially this idea of connecting with different parts of you that get activated in different situations as a way or as a a pathway to your own growth and healing and resolving some of these really annoying habits that you might have emotional reactions that you have, patterns of behavior, things like perfectionism, or when you feel really intimidated in certain situations or you find yourself feeling anxious, maybe when you get very controlling or very angry.
Speaker A:All of these emotional reactions that we have, or when we get really blocked and stuck and we can't figure out why we're not doing the thing that we want to be doing.
Speaker A:We keep saying that we're going to be doing this idea of accessing these other parts of ourselves and using that as a way to better understand yourself, to offer compassion to those parts and to uncover the motivations of those parts so that you can move forward and have a different response.
Speaker A:It's a really useful idea.
Speaker A:But when I first heard about it, if I'm to be perfectly honest with you, I thought it all sounded a bit out there and it all sounded a bit complicated.
Speaker A:And I don't think it necessarily is that complicated.
Speaker A:I mean, if you wanted to go and see a ifs therapist, and if you have some really major trauma, some really complex issues that you're dealing with, then absolutely you would want to see a specialist for that.
Speaker A:But I think this can be pretty accessible to the everyday person.
Speaker A:And I know that coaches are using this now in some of their work with clients as well.
Speaker A:So I wanted to kind of give you a rundown if you've heard of this or maybe you've never heard of this, and to give you an overview of what it is and how you might be able to access it or use it in your own life.
Speaker A:But obviously, I need to say up front, I am not an expert in this particular modality.
Speaker A:I have been looking into it, I have used it to some degree, and I'm really a learner myself.
Speaker A:So I want to share it with you so that you can also have the opportunity to go and do your own learning.
Speaker A:If you are as interested as I am, you might want.
Speaker A:Want to go off and find your own resources and books and things.
Speaker A:And if you do, I can probably recommend some so ifs Internal Family Systems Therapy developed by Richard Schwartz, a psychologist.
Speaker A:I don't know when I think quite a while ago I should know that.
Speaker A:And it's based on this idea that inside all of us, there's like lots of different versions of us.
Speaker A:And before you go thinking that I'm talking about civil or, you know, dissociative identity disorder, this multiple personality thing, not that what I'm talking about is, for example, when you might say there's a part of me that knows that I can do this.
Speaker A:And there's another part of me that's really scared.
Speaker A:There's a part of me that gets really angry.
Speaker A:And there's another part of me that hates myself for yelling and getting so angry, which, you know, when this happens, there could be this real inner conflict within you.
Speaker A:You start judging yourself, you start criticizing yourself.
Speaker A:You, you can't work out why you keep doing this thing that you don't want to be doing.
Speaker A:It could be situations that activate certain emotions in you.
Speaker A:Like maybe you always feel really, I don't know, intimidated with authority figures, and you're feeling like you should have grown out of that by now.
Speaker A:Maybe male authority figures, because maybe there was some intimidating male authority figure from your childhood, and it keeps on being reactivated and you feel like you should be done with this by now.
Speaker A:You should be over this by now.
Speaker A:But there's like this inner part of you, like this little child.
Speaker A:We all have this Little inner child in us that continues to be activated.
Speaker A:So what parts work does is it acknowledges that there are all of these different parts in us.
Speaker A:And they all have their own motivation.
Speaker A:They all serve a particular function or a purpose.
Speaker A:They have a positive intention.
Speaker A:I think that's so key.
Speaker A:They each have a positive intention.
Speaker A:And when you can understand what their intention is like, when you can understand what's driving that behavior, then you have a better chance of being able to meet that need or do whatever healing work that you might need to do so that you don't have to keep playing out that particular behavior.
Speaker A:So I want to start by saying that central to this model and to this theory is this idea of the self, that we all have a self which is unburdened.
Speaker A:Like this is our core essence.
Speaker A:This is who we are before we started to develop all of these other parts to navigate the world and to protect ourselves from certain things.
Speaker A:So Richard Schwartz laid out eight capacities of the self.
Speaker A:When you're in that self state, that really unburdened, wise version of yourself, these are the eight capacities of the self.
Speaker A:Connectedness, curiosity, calmness, compassion, clarity, courage, confidence, and creativity.
Speaker A:Doesn't that sound lovely?
Speaker A:Wouldn't it be lovely to have access to all of those eight capacities?
Speaker A:And that is the purpose of the therapy, basically, to.
Speaker A:To enable us to spend more of our time in this self energy.
Speaker A:So that's a worthy goal, I think, to spend more of our time in this self energy with these wise, kind qualities rather than being in these various parts which we've developed as kind of coping and survival strategies throughout our life and our early experiences.
Speaker A:And, you know, all of us are just a walking bundle of coping strategies, we're all just a walking survival strategy.
Speaker A:That is the truth of it.
Speaker A:But the more that we can peel back those layers and realize that we've just adopted these particular behaviors to cope and to survive, we can peel those off and we can start feeling like we're getting back to the core of ourselves and who we are.
Speaker A:And this approach to therapy has been super popular.
Speaker A:Loads of people have told me, even friends of mine had said that they really, when they saw an IFS therapist, they really got a lot from it.
Speaker A:So that's what really piqued my interest.
Speaker A:And like I said, not an expert, but I just wanted to share with you, like kind of what it's about so that you can choose if this is something you might want to explore.
Speaker A:So in addition to the self, now that we're familiar with the self, that's Lovely.
Speaker A:There are what is called exiled parts.
Speaker A:I'm not sure I love the word exiled, but it's.
Speaker A:They're wounded parts, right?
Speaker A:They're these wounded parts of us, and they often carry shame or fear or a pain from an earlier experience.
Speaker A:Like these are the wounded parts of us.
Speaker A:And in response to that, we also have these protector parts.
Speaker A:So the protector is developed to protect the wounded part.
Speaker A:So, for example, if this wounded part feels deeply ashamed and embarrassed because they made a mistake and got laughed at in class or in school, then they might develop a perfectionist part who never makes a mistake and who insists on always doing everything perfectly and correctly so that they never have to feel that shame and embarrassment again.
Speaker A:I mean, that's just a really simplistic, obvious example.
Speaker A:But there's loads and loads of these.
Speaker A:These situations and these scenarios and these parts that we develop.
Speaker A:So the.
Speaker A:The protector basically steps up and takes control, and its job is to keep us away from difficult, painful emotions.
Speaker A:If I was to think about another type of therapy, maybe act acceptance and commitment therapy, you know, we talk about control strategies.
Speaker A:Control strategies are the things that we all do in life to try to minimize or avoid unpleasant emotions.
Speaker A:And the problem is that control strategies are ultimately end up doing more harm than good.
Speaker A:We're actually better off to just feel the feelings instead of trying to manage and control them.
Speaker A:So not to confuse the issue by bringing in another approach to therapy, but if you're familiar with act acceptance of commitment therapy, then that's kind of how it maps onto this.
Speaker A:These protector parts show up as overworking people, pleasing perfectionist, maybe angry, maybe really judgy, maybe very emotionally avoidant.
Speaker A:Maybe the protector part doesn't want to get close to anybody in case they get rejected.
Speaker A:So this is the role that they play.
Speaker A:This is the purpose that they serve.
Speaker A:And then there's this other part.
Speaker A:They're called firefighters.
Speaker A:And the firefighter part is these extreme responses.
Speaker A:So they're kind of protectors, but they take everything to the next level.
Speaker A:They're like extremely impulsive and kind of intense responses.
Speaker A:It could be binge eating, could be substance use.
Speaker A:They step in, these parts step in to like really shut everything down, I guess.
Speaker A:Now, here's the thing.
Speaker A:They're not all bad.
Speaker A:None of it's bad.
Speaker A:Even when they cause problems for you, they always have your best interest, their own best interest at heart.
Speaker A:They're just trying to protect you in the best way that they know how.
Speaker A:So even just knowing that and having that sense can be really useful to just increase Your level of self compassion to increase your level of self understanding, self awareness, so that you're not engaged in this internal battle within yourself.
Speaker A:You're actually starting to develop some insight and you can relate to yourself in a much kinder way.
Speaker A:So some of the ways that this can be useful just for the, for the everyday person, like without any kind of therapy or coaching, is start noticing when different parts show up.
Speaker A:So the next time that you're feeling anxious or some sort of resistance or some sort of frustration, anxiety, you're upset about something, slow things down and ask yourself, what part of me is feeling this way?
Speaker A:Connect with the feeling.
Speaker A:Now, this is the question that I often ask, and I've asked it on this podcast as well, is ask yourself, is this feeling new or is it familiar?
Speaker A:And usually the answer is, this is very familiar.
Speaker A:Now, one important thing that I should say here is that before you go in to communicate with, for example, a wounded part, you want to really ground yourself in this self part, right?
Speaker A:You want to take a few deep breaths, ground yourself, access your own wise, kind, compassionate self.
Speaker A:And it's from that place that you communicate with the wounded part.
Speaker A:If you're feeling very much like you are the wounded part, which is what happens, what that means in IFS terminology is that you're blending with that part, like you're kind of embodying that part.
Speaker A:And again, if I make a comparison to act acceptance and commitment therapy, we talk about this concept of confusion when you become very fused, overly identified with your thoughts and feelings.
Speaker A:That's what blending is.
Speaker A:To my understanding, it's kind of you've become that part and you're very much in it.
Speaker A:You are wanting to kind of step into your self energy.
Speaker A:I keep using the word energy.
Speaker A:That's not what they say.
Speaker A:But you know, and from that place, do the communicating.
Speaker A:Now, if this part feels like it's the wounded part, it's that wounded inner child that really feels afraid, that feels like it's going to make a mistake or it's going to be judged.
Speaker A:Then it can be helpful just to offer compassion to that part of yourself and step in as your own wise, kind self and offer that part of you whatever reassurance that you think it needs, relate to that younger part of you, that little version of you as your wise, kind adult self, just as you would if it was your own child, if it was your best friend, somebody vulnerable and needing care and attention and reassurance.
Speaker A:So instead of judging that part of you, instead of getting more mad at that part of you getting frustrated with that part of you offering that part curiosity and kindness.
Speaker A:But here's where it can be really helpful.
Speaker A:If you connect with the protector part, the perfectionist part, the angry part.
Speaker A:Like, if you connect with that version of you, that behavior, and you get curious and ask that part of you, what are you afraid would happen if you didn't show up like this?
Speaker A:What are you afraid would happen if you stopped doing this?
Speaker A:Now, the key is that you don't ask what would happen.
Speaker A:You don't ask the perfectionist what would happen if you stopped being a perfectionist.
Speaker A:Because the perfectionist is just going to say, well, I'm just going to bloody make a whole lot of mistakes and everybody's going to criticize me and judge me.
Speaker A:It's what are you afraid would happen?
Speaker A:Because that's when you tap into what is that part of you protecting you from.
Speaker A:What is the.
Speaker A:What is the role it's trying to play?
Speaker A:It's all about protection.
Speaker A:When you get really angry, when you get really defensive, when you show up as this really hostile, defensive version of you, this part, what are you afraid would happen if you weren't defensive?
Speaker A:What are you afraid would happen if you didn't show up like this?
Speaker A:That way you start getting to, what are you protecting?
Speaker A:What's the vulnerability underneath that?
Speaker A:A lot of what this process is, if you do it in therapy or if you do it yourself, is actually engaging with the part.
Speaker A:And by that I mean having a conversation.
Speaker A:And that's going to feel really weird.
Speaker A:It is actually having a conversation with this part of you and asking, what are you afraid of?
Speaker A:What do you need right now?
Speaker A:Now, this is where sometimes it can be helpful if you do have a coach or if you have a therapist, because they can sometimes help to ask your part.
Speaker A:They can talk to this part of you.
Speaker A:It's like in.
Speaker A:In ifs therapy, what happens, and this is why I always thought it seemed a bit weird, is that it's almost like they say, okay, I want Cass to step aside now.
Speaker A:I actually want to talk to this, this other part.
Speaker A:That's not Cass, right?
Speaker A:That's not.
Speaker A:Not me who's in the room.
Speaker A:It's like, let me talk to this.
Speaker A:And so they go directly to this other part, which seems weird, but it's really powerful because it actually bypasses the ego.
Speaker A:It bypasses your rational mind.
Speaker A:It bypasses all of that, and it goes straight to the core of it, and it enables you to tap into the deeper what's happening.
Speaker A:You know, the more of what that's unconsciously is playing out.
Speaker A:So useful, really useful to simplify this right down there is a wounded part that needs to feel safe.
Speaker A:And as long as the wounded part doesn't feel safe, it is activating these protector parts.
Speaker A:The protector parts are stepping in.
Speaker A:So what we're doing is we are offering the wounded part like the inner child, I guess.
Speaker A:We're offering that part of ourselves, what it most needs, that it didn't get at the time, kind of like a reparenting.
Speaker A:We're offering kindness where we're hearing, acknowledging what the hurt is, what the fear is, what the shame is.
Speaker A:We're reassuring that inner child that she is safe, she's loved, she's worthy, all of the things that she needs to hear that she never heard.
Speaker A:You're basically offering that to yourself.
Speaker A:You're coming from the self and talking to this younger version of you, offering that reassurance.
Speaker A:And when the wounded part, when the exiled part feels safe, then the protector part is no longer required.
Speaker A:Because remember, the whole job of the protector is to keep you feeling safe.
Speaker A:So if you get underneath that, to the vulnerability, and you establish that sense of safety by offering that to yourself in sourcing, internalizing that feeling of safety with kindness and compassion, almost like healing that old wound yourself, protector no longer required.
Speaker A:And what the protector needs is to trust you.
Speaker A:You develop this relationship with the protector where they feel comfortable to step aside.
Speaker A:Because the wise, kind, adult, curious, confident, courageous version of you, all the Cs has got it under control.
Speaker A:Very simplistic.
Speaker A:That's what we are aiming for.
Speaker A:So the key is that we're not about getting rid of parts.
Speaker A:Ifs is not about doing away with these parts.
Speaker A:It is about building a relationship with these parts from this self energy so then the self energy can show up and the self energy is able to protect those wounded parts so that the protector part can stand down.
Speaker A:You don't have.
Speaker A:The perfectionist can stand down.
Speaker A:The angry part can stand, the people pleaser can stand down.
Speaker A:Because the self has got it sorted.
Speaker A:The self steps up.
Speaker A:That wise, kind, curious, calm, compassionate, creative.
Speaker A:That self gets to show up and the self holds the space for all the parts.
Speaker A:So that is super brief.
Speaker A:I probably get complaints from actual IFS therapists who tell me that I've just got it completely wrong.
Speaker A:But that's the gist of it.
Speaker A:That's the gist of it, you guys.
Speaker A:And I really did just want to give you the gist of it so that you can go and explore this in more detail.
Speaker A:Yourself.
Speaker A:If you think this might be useful for you, you can find an IFS therapist or a coach.
Speaker A:Richard Swartz has got a book called no Bad Parts.
Speaker A:He's got more books than that, but that is the one that I often hear recommended.
Speaker A:So no Bad Parts, you might want to listen to that on Audible or go grab that book that will give you his overview.
Speaker A:And then Jay early is a therapist who's written like a diy, a self coaching approach to ifs.
Speaker A:And I think that could be a really useful one to get a hold of if you're interested.
Speaker A:I've just got that one myself and I will be, um, exploring it in more detail and seeing if there's useful stuff in there that I can use.
Speaker A:But I, I definitely don't think that you necessarily need to be an expert to be able to benefit from some of this approach in your own life.
Speaker A:Ultimately, this is really about relating to your emotions, your behaviors, the patterns that you fall into and start relating to them as different parts of you.
Speaker A:Rather than seeing yourself as broken or getting frustrated with yourself that you're still doing these same old things.
Speaker A:Then you can invite more curiosity, more compassion, and have a way of engaging with these behaviors that really promotes a path to healing and to growth.
Speaker A:So start paying attention, start noticing as you go through your week, when you notice an emotion, you notice a particular behavior that you might be falling into.
Speaker A:Get curious, slow down, breathe in.
Speaker A:What's happening?
Speaker A:Where's this coming from?
Speaker A:What's this feeling?
Speaker A:Have I felt this before?
Speaker A:If it's a protector part, what am I afraid would happen if I stop doing this and allow whatever comes up to come up?
Speaker A:Be curious, be kind.
Speaker A:I hope that's helpful.
Speaker A:Obviously not meant to be university degree on the subject.
Speaker A:Just a little intro.
Speaker A:Definitely.
Speaker A:We'll be exploring this in much more detail inside the paid community in Beyond Happy.
Speaker A:That's it for me.
Speaker A:I'll be back really soon.
Speaker A:Some great interviews to share with you.
Speaker A:Cannot wait to catch you on the next episode of Crappy to Happy.
